In a pickle, swinger-curious &?big jugs
Rachel
- 02/17/2022
Dear Rachel,
With Valentine’s Day coming up I want to buy my wife a new paddle or a T-shirt that says “sweet pickle.” What to do? P.S. Was pickleball named after a dog or a boat? I relish your answers.
– For all who love pickles, Dill Pickle
Dear Fermented Cuke,
You wanna know what I wanna know? I wanna know if Vlasic rhymes with “basic” or “plastic.” But we can’t all get what we want. This question came in too late for the V-Day edition of “Ask Rachel,” so I hope you bought your wife a matching pickle-paddle and pickle-T set. And it only now occurs to me that you meant a pickleball paddle and not a special romantic spanky-time accessory.
– Nibble this pickle, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
What’s the deal with the “Swingers” in Durango? How do they bring the subject up with their “good friends?” I’ve heard one attends a party and puts their car keys in a bowl and then people, one by one, pull the key out and that’s who you’re going to have sex with. But what if you’re a female and you pull another female’s keys out – are you stuck with her even though you don’t go “that” way? Can you put the keys back in until you pick the one you’re wanting? If you’re single and you pick a couple’s keys, are you obligated to do a threesome, even if you find the woman unattractive? I drive a Tesla Model 3 (NO KEY!!!!) what do I do?? Help!
– Keyless, Clueless and Sick of My One-and-Only
Dear Popped Bubble,
You drive a Tesla, so trust me, no one would brave a horse that high just to bonk you. You’re safe from all the swingers, who by definition have plenty of other internal-combustion options. Also, I think maybe you don’t understand what “swinging” is. Literally the only thing I know about it is that the key-swap does not result in going home with an intact couple. My guess is, all your fears of unattractive and unwanted women are for naught, because you’re clearly not one of the “good friends” having this come up in conversation.
– Swing low, sweet chariot, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Why on earth do my in-town friends spend money on big blue jugs of water (and lug them back and forth to the store) when we have perfectly good water out of our taps? I always figured those water-fill stations were for folks in the boonies whose wells gone done went dry.
– Bottled Curiosity
Dear Jugalicious,
FINALLY a sexless question. Or at least one I don’t make inadvertently kinky. But come on… pickles put me in that state of mind. Not because of the bumpy shape, but because I really do love pickles. Actual pickles. Pickles that likely benefit from being jarred in charcoal-filtered reverse-osmosis anti-bad-juju water that is, at its source, the same stuff we drink from the sink.
– Thirty cents a gallon, Rachel
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