In a pickle, swinger-curious &?big jugs

In a pickle, swinger-curious &?big jugs
Rachel - 02/17/2022
Dear Rachel,
With Valentine’s Day coming up I want to buy my wife a new paddle or a T-shirt that says “sweet pickle.” What to do? P.S. Was pickleball named after a dog or a boat? I relish your answers.
– For all who love pickles, Dill Pickle
 
Dear Fermented Cuke,
You wanna know what I wanna know? I wanna know if Vlasic rhymes with “basic” or “plastic.” But we can’t all get what we want. This question came in too late for the V-Day edition of “Ask Rachel,” so I hope you bought your wife a matching pickle-paddle and pickle-T set. And it only now occurs to me that you meant a pickleball paddle and not a special romantic spanky-time accessory.
– Nibble this pickle, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What’s the deal with the “Swingers” in Durango? How do they bring the subject up with their “good friends?” I’ve heard one attends a party and puts their car keys in a bowl and then people, one by one, pull the key out and that’s who you’re going to have sex with. But what if you’re a female and you pull another female’s keys out – are you stuck with her even though you don’t go “that” way? Can you put the keys back in until you pick the one you’re wanting? If you’re single and you pick a couple’s keys, are you obligated to do a threesome, even if you find the woman unattractive? I drive a Tesla Model 3 (NO KEY!!!!) what do I do?? Help!
– Keyless, Clueless and Sick of My One-and-Only
 
Dear Popped Bubble,
You drive a Tesla, so trust me, no one would brave a horse that high just to bonk you. You’re safe from all the swingers, who by definition have plenty of other internal-combustion options. Also, I think maybe you don’t understand what “swinging” is. Literally the only thing I know about it is that the key-swap does not result in going home with an intact couple. My guess is, all your fears of unattractive and unwanted women are for naught, because you’re clearly not one of the “good friends” having this come up in conversation.
– Swing low, sweet chariot, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why on earth do my in-town friends spend money on big blue jugs of water (and lug them back and forth to the store) when we have perfectly good water out of our taps? I always figured those water-fill stations were for folks in the boonies whose wells gone done went dry.
– Bottled Curiosity
 
Dear Jugalicious,
FINALLY a sexless question. Or at least one I don’t make inadvertently kinky. But come on… pickles put me in that state of mind. Not because of the bumpy shape, but because I really do love pickles. Actual pickles. Pickles that likely benefit from being jarred in charcoal-filtered reverse-osmosis anti-bad-juju water that is, at its source, the same stuff we drink from the sink.
– Thirty cents a gallon, Rachel

Top Shelf

The bottom of the barrel
The bottom of the barrel
By Chris Aaland
08/19/2021

 After 14 years, ‘Top Shelf’ hangs up the pint glass

Back in the groove
Back in the groove
By Chris Aaland
07/29/2021

Local favorites the Motet return for KSUT’s Party in the Park
 

Belly full of wood, mountains full of ukes and Ridin' into Telluride
Belly full of wood, mountains full of ukes and Ridin' into Telluride
By Chris Aaland
07/08/2021
Cootiegrass 2021
Cootiegrass 2021
By Chris Aaland
06/24/2021

Highlights – and lowlights - of a return to Town Park

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Bottoms up!
Bottoms up!
By Stephen Eginoire
05/27/2021

With this year's runoff more like a slow bleed, it is easy to let one's whitewater guard down. But remember: flips and swims can happen any place at any time. 
 

Cold comfort
Cold comfort
12/17/2020

Seeking solstice solace in the dog days of winter

A Grand escape
A Grand escape
By Stephen Eginoire
11/19/2020

Pandemic fatigue? Forget the world with three weeks on the Colorado

The living museum
The living museum
By Stephen Eginoire
10/15/2020
Read All in Day on the Life