In arrears, short changed and board stiff

Dear Rachel,

Question for V-Day: What is with men who do not appropriately tend to their butts? I’ve known a couple and thought they must be exceptions to the rule. Now though, I’m seeing enough content about these dude-bros who think TP makes them effeminate or something that I know it’s a global issue. Can we all just agree not to let these men get any action until they clean up their act?

– Wipeout

Dear High Standards,

This is where we’re at this Valentine’s Day. Or at least where I’m at. The bar is so low. I’d just like to know that the roses I receive aren’t to cover up the fragrance of the rose-giver. That the only chocolates I get are… you know what? I’m done here. We need Oprah to give everyone a bidet. YOU get a bidet. And YOU get a bidet. One that makes lightsaber sounds when you use it. That’s our only hope.

– Skidding out, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My kid brother is getting all my college money. I got a full ride in state and took full (and responsible) advantage of it. I assumed, my bad, that the funds my parents had for me would still be there for grad school or something. Nope. My little bro is applying for schools and they told him he had double the resources. So he’s applying to Stanford while I stuck to the Front Range. How screwy is this? Do I have any recourse?

– Mugged by My Parents

Dear Empty Pockets,

You have exactly one recourse, and you might have to be patient, but it’s a good one: Your kid brother now has full responsibility for caring for your parents in old age. You can tell them, “Oh! You didn’t use up your caregiver credits by age 50, so I rolled them over to Damian here. I’m sure you understand!” And then change your number and disappear forever.

– Cashed out, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I miss the board games I grew up with, like Sorry and Parcheesi. Why are all of today’s board games so involved? My friends always bring over these new board games that require an hour and a half to get the hang of, which would be fine except we never return to it because we have more new games to try. How do I get my friends to hang out and watch movies like normal people?

– Not Playing Games

Dear Conscientious Objector,

Everyone always hated that one friend who wanted to turn every game into a strip version. (We all had that friend, right?) Maybe it’s your turn to be that friend. “Only if we turn it into Strip Wingspan!” you can suggest. You’re only in trouble if they go for it. But at least then you’ll find out if your friends believe in TP or not.

– Your turn, Rachel