International incident, growing turmoil and belly aches

International incident, growing turmoil and belly aches
Dear Rachel,
I got myself into trouble. I started dating an Italian woman not long ago. Not a serious committed relationship or anything, but it’s going well. Then I went on a couple dates with a lovely Argentinian woman. Also not serious and committed. But now, I’m terrified. Not to lean on stereotypes, but both these woman are as fiery as you might imagine. If they ever find out about each other, I’m as good as a roasted piglet. Any guidance for navigating my way out of this one?
– Aguas Peligrosas
 
Dear Boiling Over,
I hate to point out the obvious, but… haven’t you noticed how extremely white our corner of Colorado is? There are only so many Italian or Argentinian women around. If they read this, they’ll have really good odds of figuring out you’re the person in question. I don’t know what the odds are, exactly, but they’re really, really high. Like… I think I know who these women are already.
– You’re done for, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Soooo I just spent $400 on plants at the local nursery. Let me tell you, $400 in plants is not as many plants as I would have guessed. Sure, I don’t own my home, let alone the dirt around it where these plants will go. But they will make me happy, so it is worth it. But now I am left with just a couple big looming questions: how will I make rent this month? And if I get evicted, can I dig up the plants and take them with me? Or do they belong to the house now?
– Pulling Up Roots

 

Dear Planter’s Warts,

What if you proposed a trade? Say, you cut a deal with your landlord/lady/person: throw out a number (like, oh, $400) in reduced rent in exchange for beautifying the property. The worst that happens is they say no, and you’re left to sell your organs to make rent. I’ve done that. Turns out I really don’t use 90% of my brain. At least, not anymore.
– Rooting for the home team,  Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Yay end of the pandemic! I had friends over for the first time in a year. We had a lovely brunch. The other couple brought food to share, my girlfriend and I cooked a main dish, and all was well with the world. Then one friend excused herself to the bathroom. Then the other guest excused himself. Then she excused herself again. Then he excused himself again. And these were not quick trips. Yet my girlfriend and I were fine. We all ate the same food. Should I be worried about some delayed-onset violent expulsions here?
– Ticking Time Bomb

 

Dear Rumbles,

I must note that you didn’t specify if they excused themselves to the restroom together or separately. Maybe the departures weren’t digestive at all! Maybe they had much more romantic intentions. Like, perhaps they were each sneaking out to pay quick visits to their Italian lovers under cover of gastrointestinal distress.
– Buon appetito, Rachel
 
Got a question: email: telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Top Shelf

The bottom of the barrel
The bottom of the barrel
By Chris Aaland
08/19/2021

 After 14 years, ‘Top Shelf’ hangs up the pint glass

Back in the groove
Back in the groove
By Chris Aaland
07/29/2021

Local favorites the Motet return for KSUT’s Party in the Park
 

Belly full of wood, mountains full of ukes and Ridin' into Telluride
Belly full of wood, mountains full of ukes and Ridin' into Telluride
By Chris Aaland
07/08/2021
Cootiegrass 2021
Cootiegrass 2021
By Chris Aaland
06/24/2021

Highlights – and lowlights - of a return to Town Park

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Bottoms up!
Bottoms up!
By Stephen Eginoire
05/27/2021

With this year's runoff more like a slow bleed, it is easy to let one's whitewater guard down. But remember: flips and swims can happen any place at any time. 
 

Cold comfort
Cold comfort
12/17/2020

Seeking solstice solace in the dog days of winter

A Grand escape
A Grand escape
By Stephen Eginoire
11/19/2020

Pandemic fatigue? Forget the world with three weeks on the Colorado

The living museum
The living museum
By Stephen Eginoire
10/15/2020
Read All in Day on the Life