Leftover wood, universal signs and gifts that keep giving

Leftover wood, universal signs and gifts that keep giving

Dear Rachel,

Family debate here. How much firewood should be left over from one winter to the next? My spouse says none, that if we have any left it’s an eyesore, and we bought too much. I say leftover wood will be good and dry for next winter, and firewood never gets any cheaper, so a surplus is gravy. We agree to go with your answer here.

– Woody and Buzzkill

Dear Phat Stacks,

The correct answer is right in the middle: Bonfire, baby! Light up those leftovers one perfect summer evening and have the pagan party of the year. Of course, you should do so in keeping with relevant fire restrictions and general common sense. Do not burn the forest down. Do not burn your house down. Do not burn anyone else’s house down. Basically, do not try this at home. Also do not try this anywhere else. It’s a terrible idea.

– Burn baby burn, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I know that there’s a psychological phenomenon for when you keep noticing something over and over, once you become aware of it. I can’t argue that it’s crazy how much the thing shows up. For me, it was hummingbirds. A guy I’m into from somewhere in South America said he’d never seen hummingbirds until he moved here, and now I see hummingbird pictures and products all over the place. Couldn’t these still be Signs from the universe and not just brain tricks?

– Hummingbird Humdinger

 

Dear Ho Hum,

Darn right they can be signs from the universe. Except that you just have to remember that the universe is a vast, incomprehensible collection of particles and waves that we really don’t understand. So even if the universe was sending you signs, the odds of you being able to translate them are inconceivably slim. But here’s a sign from the Rachel: just get after that guy already.

– Sign here, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

With graduations coming, I have been invited to attend a few parties. Do you think it would be OK to give a gift card from Kroegers hardware? Things at the store can be used for years to come and the gift keeps giving and may be remembered in a good way or bad. Your thoughts?

– Real Life Dude

Dear Fantasy Man,

Sure, you could give a gift card from Kroegers. But are you a representative of Kroegers? Is this your attempt at getting free product placement in print? It’s working, because I have a sudden hankering for some Kroegers. But if you want to give the gift that really keeps on giving, I recommend you hand out leftover firewood. Whatever’s left come graduation, you can dole out one log at a time. Sure beats yet another copy of “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!”

– Go forth, Rachel

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