Lighten the load, avo-present & soiled saddles

Dear Rachel,

I talked to a nice young police officer in Durango. I looked at the uniform and saw the following: Gun and holster, taser/holster, cuffs, extra bullets, radio, cell phone, bulletproof vest and a shiny belt to hold all. Is a pain doctor on call when they get off shift? It appears to be about 30 pounds of extra weight. Can you help them get a lighter load?

– Dr. Feel Good

Dear Dr. Strangelove,

Frankly, you sound a little turned on. This could be the premise of a porn film out there (and probably is). “My oh my, officer, all that equipment looks a little… heavy. Why don’t I help you take a load off? I don’t know how a big, strong man like you walks around with all these heavy things on your belt all day.” It’s probably because you have such a HUGE fear of being approached by normal citizens, so police culture now dictates you appear intimidating instead of helpful.

– Can you believe I’m single, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

At the restaurant where I work, we offer a chocolate mousse on the dessert menu. It’s delicious. I had a customer who agreed with me about that. But then she followed up “It’s so good!” with “Is it made with avocado?” Since when the eff is mousse made with avocado? Or is avocado in everything good and wholesome, kind of like corn, and I just never knew? I’m questioning everything now.

– Avocadont

Dear Overripe,

I’ve never knowingly eaten avocado mousse, but if everything were made of avocado, it would go a long way toward explaining the financial crisis being endured by everyone, especially Millennials. I mean, if avocado toast is the reason they can’t afford houses, then imagine the detriment of avocado mousse. Avocado shampoo. Avocado wine. Avocado cars! If they would just stop buying avocados, they could afford like a whole extra gallon of gasoline.

– The pits, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I went to the Men Who Grill on Saturday at Buckley Park. I then drove down E. 2nd Ave. behind a boy on a horse. The horse dropped horse biscuits on the street. WOW. Well, I told him to pick it up, but he said he did not have the green bag so … GO to XXXX. Well, I checked to see if there was any violation and can’t find one. Is he required to pick up the horse biscuits by law? We need help from the Horse Lady.

– Sea Biscuit

Dear Ocean Cracker,

You missed a prime wordplay opportunity. You could have called yourself Streetbiscuit, and we all would have understood the joke and felt like members of your club. Instead, I’m left with two things to discuss: AGAIN with the green bags this week? Is everyone in town obsessed with these things? And… how did I become the Horse Lady? Is it because of that one time I ordered oats for breakfast? And why should I know the law? Go find an officer; just don’t call them Horse Lady, mmkay?

– Your friendly neighhhbor, Rachel