Little bottles, massages and Joe wears panty hose

Dear Rachel,

When you go on vacation and stay in motels (if you do), do you save the soap, mouth wash, and conditioner and take them home, or do you leave them? Hey, how about the half bottles? I hope you use them and don’t sell them at a garage sale. I think you give them back so your rates don’t go up in the future at the motels.

–Soap Suds

Dear Dope Duds,

I really don’t garage sale all that often. Maybe, without explicitly knowing why, this is my reason. Do people really sell half-used bottles of complimentary toiletries? Or do they, like, put several partials into a big bottle and pretend it’s new? Do the colors mix together into some vaguely nauseating taupe, or do they swirl like a sand painting? And, do they pluck the leg hairs off the soap before reselling, or is that part of the charm?

–Barf, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m wildly uncomfortable with the idea of giving massages to my romantic partner. I keep thinking, this is something that people go through extensive training and get licensed and insured to do. Who am I to basically walk in off the street and give a good, never mind safe and trustworthy, massage? We wouldn’t trust me to fix the pipes under the house or conduct psychotherapy. So why should I be so cavalier about giving therapeutic massages?

–Unlicensed to Rub

Dear Unregulated Lover,

Um. I might be wrong here – wouldn’t be the first time – but I think you just might, maybe, possibly be missing the point here. I find it unlikely that your amor is looking for therapeutic bodywork. Let’s go with the plumbing comparison … you’re not being called upon to stop the leaks and conduct maintenance but just to make the pipes feel good and relaxed. The pipes are making a bid for connection. Possibly CONNECTION connection. I recommend you listen.

–Lower, baby, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Now that we are getting ready for the Super Bowl, I saw an old ad that had Joe Namath in panty hose. Just wondering, are they coming back? Joe said that they gave his legs a tightness when he was throwing the ball. I think they were the first stretch tights. Your thoughts on this, or do you want to pass?

–Football Joe

Dear Pigskin Jack,

Where does my editor dig up these questions? I’m just going to recap the facts for the jury: You saw an old ad, AN OLD AD, with panty hose. Presumably, taupe panty hose. So, naturally, you wonder if panty hose are coming back now, in the present moment. What the hell is this? I think I’m not going to pass. I’m going to utilize my ground game, turn the other direction and run far, far, far away. I’m going to run like cheap … never mind.

–Your special teams specialist, Rachel