Little piggies, cheap shades and sanity check

Dear Rachel,

I just stubbed my toe and it hurts like a mofo. But I didn’t stub it on anything, exactly. I mean, not on anything you can really stub a toe on. I stubbed it on a perfectly flat indoor floor. No furniture, no corners. Just boom, straight down and kicked the earth. This goes beyond the agony of crushing a toe into the realms of mortal concern. Am I a threat to my own wellbeing? The health and safety of those around me? Or should I sign up for the circus?

– Lethal Weapon

Dear Time Bomb,

I swear the toe is the fastest healing organism on the planet. I have shattered my pinkie toe into pieces like fine china, only for it to mend itself in minutes. Then again, I dropped a spoon on my big toe once, and the toenail bruised up and fell off. So maybe they’re not so tough after all. That floor probably jumped up to grab you anyway. If you invent any new swear words as you go running into things, please let me know. My vocab could use a refresher.

– %@*&!$, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Remember when everyone was getting seeds from China in the mail? I thought it was weird but didn’t think twice about it. Til last week, when I got an unexpected box from China. It wasn’t seeds, though. It was sunglasses. I looked it up and it turns out people all over the country are getting sunglasses randomly delivered. I know I *should* be freaking out, but at the same time … free sunglasses. I can wear these, right?

– Future’s So Bright 

Dear Cheap Sunglasses,

They’re your sunglasses, Future. You can do whatever you want with them … within reason, of course. You’ll know what’s right for yourself, but here are some things to consider (no right or wrong answers): Could the glasses be harmful to you in any way? Did they have your name on them? Could you help someone less fortunate than you by giving them away? And most importantly of all, how do they complement the shape of your face?

– Funky fine Levi’s and sweater’s kind of tight, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve hit the point of the pandemic where I’m now pre-emptively checking the batteries in my smoke detectors. Looking to see if my fire extinguisher is charged and if it’s been recalled. Replacing my CO detectors a couple years before they expire. Other people are running around like nothing’s happening, and those of us trying to mitigate it all are going to hit our breaking points. I need some sanity! Help!

– Best Before Date

Dear Expired Milk,

So you’re telling me that the pandemic has turned you into a responsible adult? Yikes! I seriously hope I don’t hit that point. I’m high-risk like you, trying not to sicken or be sickened, cooping myself up at home (let’s be frank, I did that in the Before Times anyway). Anything could happen. I could stub my toe, and next thing you know I’ve snapped and they’re doing a “Dateline” episode about us.

– The horror, the horror, Rachel