Loaners, 24/7 festy wear and wining & dining

Dear Rachel,

I’m all on board with this student loan forgiveness thing. I don’t even benefit personally, except that what benefits all my brothers and sisters benefits me, too. But the problem several of my brothers and sisters are running into is stuff like having to log into some account they haven’t used in two decades to see what grants they got back in college. How are people supposed to remember that? Shouldn’t the all-knowing government remember who it gave money to?

– Little Brother

Dear Loan Bro,

This is why I pooh-pooh most conspiracy theories. The U.S. government is too cumbersome, too bulky, to get anything at all done efficiently, let alone creatively, which is what any good conspiracy requires. You think you’re so special that the gubmint will spy on you, given the choice of 300 million people? The gubmint can’t even zip its own fly. I, too, want my loans forgiven, but I’m not holding my breath until we actually land a man on the moon.

– It’s all connected, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s something I want to know about festivarian clothing. If this is the stuff that makes people happy, why don’t they wear it all the time? Dudes in flowing skirts, chicks in shorts that leave their butt cheeks dangling out, grandmas in leather, grandpas in muscle shirts – this should be acceptable in daily life, not just when bands are playing on a field somewhere. How can we make weirdness the norm?

– Decked Out

Dear Muddy Feet,

If weirdness were normal, then normal would be weird. Don’t you see it’s a perpetual cycle? Like a light-up hula-hoop with everlasting batteries. As soon as businessmen wear multicolored hemp skirts to board meetings, festivarians will wear three-pieces with wingtips. I’m all for being yourself, but let’s leave the concert duds (and the foot fungus) where they belong.

– To the nines, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need some help learning how to open bottles of wine. I’ve always gone the screw-top, boxed or  – best of all – an already open bottle at a friend’s house approach. But now I’m dating this dude who’s a bit of a snob, but it’s still endearing, so I want to impress him when he comes to my house. But I’m worthless with a corkscrew.  I went to YouTube to teach me how, but I want you to teach me how to do so with grace.

– Some Sommelier 

Dear Screwy,

Best bet is to get some new friend named Grace and have her open wine bottles with you. Ba dum! Otherwise, I recommend holding off on having this guy over until your student loans get forgiven later this year, or else in about 2026 pending court challenges, and invest in some Hammacher Schlemmer quality opener gadget. Or do what I did once, and screw that corkscrew right through the screw top lid, and yank it all off as one.

– Always a rich mouthfeel, Rachel