Loco for Lobos, rash decision and holiday jeer

Dear Rachel,

I never got into college football. But my alma mater who always sucked at football is suddenly… halfway decent? (Go Lobos!) I find myself looking up sports articles and wanting to buy the branded hoodie. I’m scared that I’m suddenly going to become one of Those People who live for game day, and I am holding off on holiday travel plans until I know their bowl game schedule. Am I in too deep?

– Fan Club President

Dear Footballer,

There is no hope for you. Not until your alma mater slips back into the sea of regression. Because let’s face it: one good season will sell some hoodies, but it’ll never turn your school into a magnet for the top 18-year-old athletes in the country. To really have staying power, you need to be able to pay your players millions of dollars. Which I guess the Denver Broncos do well enough? Maybe they ought to start a college. 

– Go team, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve been seeing this woman for six months now and her skin reacts to everything. I’m talking we can walk by the wrong tree or sit on a chair wiped at some point in the 1990s with the wrong kind of cloth, and she busts out in a rash. She says it’s no big deal. But I freak out constantly that I’m going to cause the allergic reaction that does her in by using something innocuous like salt or cotton. How can I learn to cope as well as she does?

–  Bubble Boyfriend

Dear Touchy Subject,

I hate to be the one to explain interpersonal relationships to you, but… you should just listen to her. If she says your laundry detergent causes rashes, switch to a brand she knows works. Don’t start playing with the top 10 allergens in the bedroom. Carry a Benadryl with you, or whatever works for her. And good lord, trust her when she says it’s OK.

– Hypoallergenically, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Does anyone really actually love the holidays? I know we’re all told we should enjoy it. But everyone is cranky, nothing gets done, we’re all stressed over gifts and parties, families suck and I can’t wait for Jan. 2 to breathe again. Oh, and every store has Christmas vomited all over it. What’s the point and who likes this nonsense?

–  Ebenezer

Dear McDuck,

Holidays are hard. Yes, some people love them. And not only people under the age of 11. My own freaking brother-in-law lives for the holiday Hallmark movies. The people who don’t love them have to suffer through everyone else’s fandom for these many weeks. It’s even worse than being football-apathetic in Bronco Country or whatever it’s called. At least the Broncos don’t have sappy carols.

– Bah humbug, Rachel