Lost booty, survey says and hot & moth-ered

Lost booty, survey says and hot & moth-ered

Dear Rachel,

I found a lost earring in my apartment. Not mine. Presumably an ex’s. Not very many options from the three or four years I’ve been here. It would be a simple task to send each of them a picture to see if it’s theirs. Administratively simple. Emotionally complex. I’d just toss it except it looks like a really valuable piece. What would you do?

– Ear to the Ground

Dear Pawn Star,

Are you telling me you haven’t ever lost a personal item in a breakup? A hoodie you knew you’d never see again? A book you loaned? Your second-favorite toothbrush? This is the cost of doing the business. If that earring meant the world to one of your exes, they would have called you. Instead, not calling you was worth more than the earring. Let it drop. Maybe polish it up and stick it on eBay. I’ll split the proceeds with you.

– Pierced, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I. hate. taking. marketing. surveys. And here I am with a job that is now requiring me to send out customer surveys. They’re getting really poor response rates, and I’m certain this is because I hate doing it. What’s a good way for me to pretend I enjoy this horrible work so my (fake) excitement is more contagious than my (very real) grumpiness?

– Just Two Minutes

Dear Survey Monkey,

There’s no such thing as an enthusiastic survey. Nor an enthusiastic survey-taker, unless that person is out for blood. But you know what does make your audience enthusiastic? Gift cards. Triple-digit gift cards. Or discount codes. I’d take a really good discount code. I’m talking 40% and up. None of this 10% garbage.

– Likely to recommend, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

You know how a moth will slip in the door, and you have a moth in your lights for the night? I don’t like it, but it’s not a big deal.  Apparently not everyone thinks that way. My aunt and uncle were here and one of them started screeching over a moth. Then I got judgment as if the outdoor bugs slipping in reflects my inner moral state. Am I bad person?

– Bugged Out

Dear Infestation Central,

Clearly you are a heathen and a schmuck and generally unclean. Any respectable human will not have an insect within 30 feet of their walls. Your aunt and uncle are well within their high-and-mighty rights to be so judgy-judgy. That said – if either of them lost an earring while screeching, you’re within your own moral right to sell that sucker for whatever you can get.

– Mothballed, Rachel 

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