Monday blackouts, soy boy and getting clean

Dear Rachel,

Have you ever, like, forgotten that it was Monday and showed up to work on a Tuesday thinking it was Monday and never realized the difference until you got chastised for not calling in and missing some itty bitty deadline? How did you handle it, and did you ever show your face again? Or if you haven’t, any ideas for this idiot with two thumbs and no internal calendar?

– Leap Day

Dear Bloody Monday,

Weirdly enough, I had my own near scrape with Monday. You see, I used to have this pen pal. He wrote me like clockwork each week, so that Monday morning his letter would greet me. Only he wasn’t really a pen pal, per se. More like, a customer, I suppose you’d say? And they weren’t so much letters as kaleidoscopic glimpses into a strange and eccentric mind, with optional spaces between words and random-ass periods? But when he up and stopped writing, I realized how much I had come to rely on him. Like Garfield relied on the MONDAY voice in his cartoons.

– A pie to the face, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently decided to join the dietary needs community. I don’t have any actual food allergies or moral compass, but an alternative healer friend of a friend told me soy would harm my testosterone levels, so I cut out soy. Easy! I really only eat soy sauce a couple times a year. But I made this boast out loud to a lot of people whose opinions I care about, BEFORE looking at ingredient labels. So what is soy lecithin, and why is it in literally everything? More important, how can I back out of this vow?

– Soy Cabrón

Dear Tofurkey,

The way you’re concerned about your ’rone, I wonder if you’re of the “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” crowd. If so, nut up and eat your soy lecithin. Slurp it right from the bottle that you must be able to get at the Unpronounceable Food Additives store. Your friends questioning you won’t kill you, so you’ll be stronger. You’ll end up all alone, sure, and probably bent over with stomach cramps. But stronger!

– Soy útil, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently hired dogsitters for the first time. Just one overnight. Sweet young couple. I cleaned the house for them and everything. Well, I come home, and the house is even cleaner than I left it. I’m talking the tracks of the windows are dusted out. The wood stove is immaculate (on the inside!) Crap like that. This can’t be normal. Is it? Is this a judgment on my own standards of cleanliness? Do I owe them extra money now?

– Cleaned Out

Dear Dog Wash,

You just hit the friggin’ jackpot. They might just be people who l-o-v-e love to clean. And last I heard, dogsitting is cheaper than housecleaning. Plus, housecleaners don’t usually feed your pets. So ride this wave, hold this couple close and never let them go. Not even if they forget to use punctuation marks in their letters to you. ESPECIALLY not then.

– Spick and span, Rachel