Moth-erly advice, bad carma and little heathens

Dear Rachel,

My girlfriend’s house is infested with moths. The kind that eat your clothes. She’s doing a full purge. Washing, drying and then freezing all her clothes in Ziploc bags. She just handed me all my clothes, including her favorite hoodie of mine, and said I need to get everything out of the house. She swears this isn’t a breakup. But if she finds one moth at my house, we’re probably finished. How do I prevent my own infestation?

– Godzilla vs. Mothra

Dear Misunderstood Monster,

Why do people get this wrong? Mothra is usually Godzilla’s ally. They fight side by side. OK, I would have gotten this wrong too, until I Googled it in hopes of sparking some witty response. Mothra is misunderstood, but clothed-destroying moths are the work of Satan. Get yourself some moth traps and build a cedar chest for all your clothes. Better yet, just build yourself a cedar house. Might be cheaper than replacing both a girlfriend and a wardrobe.

– Flutteringly, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s time to sell my car. She’s done me good: a dozen years, many an adventure, but we’re in overtime. A few of the dash lights keep flickering. Sure I could take her in, but it’s bound to cost more than she’s worth. Can I sell it to some unsuspecting driver who doesn’t test drive long enough to see the lights? Or will that bury me in bad carma?

- A Spiritual Question

Dear Tempted,

You are absolutely very near to sinning. You cannot in good conscience pass along car problems without disclosing them. This will bite you when you can least afford to be bitten. Unless, of course, you sell the car for a three-digit number. Anything under a grand is presumed to be on death’s door. Your conscience, and your soul, will be clear.

– Unrepentant, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

My niece is being raised in an evangelical household. I recently heard a story that she shocked the teenage babysitter because she got a new stuffed animal and declared she wanted to hold a sacrifice. (She is 4½, for the record.) I want to know what I can do, as an uncle, to further encourage her heathen tendencies. (My sister, her mom, filters all gifts for probably this reason.) Any ideas?

– Fierce Pagan

Dear Earth Uncle,

Ah, so hers is the Old Testament god. It’s always the sons that Yahweh wants to sacrifice, so maybe she feels safe enacting these rituals. I can’t believe you didn’t spill the dets on whether she went through with it. Poor stuffie. Still, many a stuffed animal has perished at the altar of dogs. That’s a pretty benign sacrifice, as far as they go. You want to really help her? Set her up with some moth eggs in her mom’s closet.

– Burning at the stake, Rachel