No. 2 crimes, so long yellow license plates & foul winds

Dear Rachel,

I have noticed that the city has many dog drop stations along the Animas River Trail, and I think they are thinking of me in my time of need. My master takes the time to pick up after me and put my droppings in the green containers. Thank you city. But I am so mad at the city that even when my master pays taxes and tags for me that no such green containers are on Main Ave. when I go shopping. We need some place to drop our dumps on Main. The next sign to be put up for us dogs will be NO PUBLIC RESTROOM, on a post, oh I see it on doors already, da. I want to thank the businesses that provide water. I will return the favor, I hope on the trail. 

– Jack (Mad Dog) Russel

Dear John Russ,

Dogs gonna doo what dogs gonna doo. There are no problem dogs – only problem people. Yes, by all means, put green bags and drop boxes on Main. But you’re going to have to reeducate the populace that their dog is not some golden goose laying golden eggs, and warm sculptures don’t aid the Creative District. Or else we need to reassign the meter maids to a more glorious duty.

– I said duty, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Since pot is now legal in New Mexico, are we about to lose a significant chunk of our tax revenue? All those southern tourists coming up to drop the legal limit on their stash, then totally never driving back across state lines with their loot because that is illegal and wrong, brought a lot of green to Colorado. How can we recoup that?

– Looming Deficit

Dear Paranoid Buzzkill,

You’re looking at this all wrong. Now, New Mexicans can just stay home, making our streets a safer place, and prettier too, because it’s hands-down truth that Colorado has the more tasteful and aesthetically pleasing license plates, especially the classic green ones. Our brethren in places like Alamosa might feel the financial burn, but I will trade some tax revenue to Keep Durango Colorado any day. 

– Being blunt, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

With the spring wind comes a question of ownership. If a neighbor’s garbage blows into my yard, does it cease to belong to my neighbor and become my responsibility? Or is it still theirs, in which case, do I need to grant permission for them to come claim it? Or are they free to trespass to reclaim their relocated possessions?

– Gusty Relationship

Dear Gus,

I think the most civil of all possible responses is to take your neighbor’s trash and put it gently into bags. Load up these bags in the back of your Subaru and/or Tacoma. Then, in the dead of night, pile these bags up against your neighbor’s front door in such a way that they will tumble inward when your neighbor opens the door. If you’re short on bags, your local park should have some little green ones available, free of charge. 

– Easy breezy, Rachel