Not so sweet dill & deep thoughts

Dear Rachel,

The Durango Mall is almost vacant. Sears just closed, and there are many empty stores. So sad for Durango. I know you have rich friends in Durango, how about asking them to have a pool hall in a vacant store. Oh, I mean a pickle ball hall. Pool is for old rock and roll beer drinkers. Just have to paint some lines, get some portable nets and poles, and call it Durango Sweet Pickle Fitness. Heck people pay to workout, why not pickle ball? Parking and noise would be no big deal. Your thoughts on this, sweet dill or no?  

– Kosher Dill

Dear Completely Non-Kosher,

Are you jerkin’ my gherkin? If you put “Sweet Pickle Fitness” on a sign in an abandoned storefront, folks are going to presume you’re offering a whole other kind of service for both pickles and balls. Frankly, that’s probably a lot more profitable. While there is still an injury risk with any aerobic activity, one has a much, much lower chance of blowing one’s knees out. You want your customers to SAY they can barely walk, but to not mean it.

– Bread and butter, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Here I thought we had a good winter, but I’m seeing news of places with 600-700 inches of snow. That would bury every building we got in Durango with like two stories to spare. When you posthole in that much snow, do you ever come out again? Will the next Lucy to be discovered in 20,000 years be some poor kid on vacation in California who took off his snowshoes for a second?

– Snowed Out

Dear White Christmas,

What I’ve really wanted to do when I see pictures of buried ski lifts and whatnot is to drop various hot objects and see how far down they sink before cooling off. Fireplace coals. An iron on cotton setting. Pedro Pascal. A fresh pizza. No, wait. I’ll eat the pizza. Then I’ll sink, and I’ll freeze to death a happy woman, just me and Pedro.

– Ice ice baby, Rachel