Owl in the family, shell game and chipping in

Dear Rachel,

I made the mistake when I was about 12 years old of liking owls. That wasn’t the real mistake, though. The real mistake was telling my mom and aunt that I liked owls. Now it’s a quarter century later and still, they give me trinkets or baubles with owls on them. I tried to tell them to stop about 10 years ago, but they got heartbroken, and I caved. Am I doomed to a lifetime of being followed by owls?

– Hoo Dunnit

Dear Owl-Whipped,

How many gifts does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a human about to snap? At least 75 or 100, by the sound of it. You’ve got to make a statement. Maybe like a Dante’s Inferno sign above your front door, only yours says “Abandon All Owls, Ye Who Enter Here.” Or mention at the next family get together how you’re now really into hawks. Which isn’t much better, but at least it would switch up your gift selection.

– The silent hunter, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I think it is so weird that the biggest purchases most of us will ever make are houses, and we spend basically minutes inside them before forking over for a 30-year mortgage. We test drive cars for longer than that. We date partners for longer than that (well, most of us) before getting hitched. But houses get like one walk through and bam! You’re making an offer. Why are we so rash on our biggest decisions?

– House Hunter

Dear Rehomed,

I agree! We should get to spend at least one night in a house before committing to it. At least to check out the weird night noises, not to mention looking for ghoulies. I still can’t get over that we just move into a space that, like, two days before was someone else’s. We’re really just hermit crabs with taxes, aren’t we?

– Movin’ in, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Spousal argument time! When we go to a friend’s house and they offer us food and drinks, I think the polite thing is to accept. But my wife thinks the polite thing is to decline. We end up with the worst combination when I say yes and she says no. We both look like chumps. So which is it? Say yes to the queso and chips, or say no and go hungry until we get home?

– Rude Dude?

Dear Hungry Hungry Houseguest,

Depends, for me, on one big question: Are your friends serving good stuff? It’s not just a matter of saying yes only to high-quality snackin’. If your friends offer you their quality stash, they really want to share it with you. If, however, they’re offering you like a 7-Eleven brand of knock-off bubbly water, they want you to leave. If your wife still doesn’t like you accepting libations, you can always offer your hosts an owl trinket in return.

– Pass the guac, Rachel