Parental timeshares, glue lies and bursting bubbles

Dear Rachel,

Now that both my divorced parents feel safe enough to venture into the world with their vaccines, they both want to come spend an inordinate amount of time with me. I keep telling each of them that the other had a trip planned first, hoping that it will make neither want to come. But this has backfired. Now they are both saying they’ll put up with each other if it means they can see me sooner. I haven’t had my two parents in one house together since I was 6. Any idea how I can anti-Parent Trap them into staying apart?

– Orphan Wannabe

Dear Loved Child,

You just gave me a brilliant idea for a Hollywood pitch. All the studios want these days are remakes, reboots and franchises. I give you: “PARENT TRAPPED.” A grown-ass woman has her divorced parents coming for the holidays, but all she wants is to keep them apart. It’s “Christmas Vacation” meets … I don’t know… “Mr. and Mrs. Smith?” I guess it depends on if your parents are actually spies. Please let them be spies. Though they wouldn’t need to be spies to see right through you.

– Mission accomplished, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Sooo I broke a ceramic sculpture belonging to my wife. A complete accident, that may have involved sliding in socks on bare floors while she was away. Anyway, I was able to hot glue the thing together while she was still gone, and she hasn’t noticed the cracks yet. They’re really only visible on the back side anyway. She may never know, but do I still need to tell her? Or will the guilt fade over time? 

– Art Fraud

Dear Gluin’ for a Bruisin,’

I’ve heard about marriages held together by duct tape and chewing gum, but never by hot glue. Imagine the scene: you’ve overcome a stressful Major Life Event together, and after a really romantic evening (the first in ages) you lean in to kiss her, when you hear a ceramic thud behind you. You know what it is, and you know that your relationship has just fallen apart with that statue. So hell no, you don’t ever tell her. But you gotta go buy some gorilla glue, stat.

– Holding it together, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is the difference between detergent and soap? And why are there such specific cleansers? My face and my hands are both skin, but I have face soap and hand soap. But not face detergent. Dish soap and dish detergent … same thing, or deep government conspiracy? Laundry soap just sounds old fashioned, but “detergent suds” just sounds wrong. And what is Irish Spring, anyway?

– Pop My Bubble

Dear Soaped Up,

I am SO using this in “Parent Trapped.” The parents inevitably end up in the daughter’s household. One insists on using soap; the other, detergent. The daughter gets between them to shout that THEY ARE THE SAME THING (even though they’re not) which causes dishwater to go flying and a cherished heirloom plate to break. The parents, looking to rebuild their daughter’s trust, hot-glue the plate back together.

– Roll credits, Rachel