Pasty whites, last laughs and doggie delicacies
Dear Rachel,
After going to the dentist for cleaning, I asked the hygienist what’s the best toothpaste to keep my smile. She said they are all good but she buys the cheapest to save money, and it works fine. So what kind of toothpaste do you buy? High end or average to save money and keep the smile on your face? Tooth powder doesn’t count.
– Tooth Brush
Dear Pearly Whites,
I’ve read you don’t even need to use toothpaste. It’s the bristles on the brush that do the trick! Shoot, I have a bestie who has brushed with baking soda for years, and her teeth have yet to fall out. And that stuff is like 99 cents a box, or it was before inflation. Still cheaper than an uninsured visit to the hygienist for a cleaning. But hey, real truth here: you should have loaded up on the free paste in the traditional dentist-visit goodie bag.
– Say cheese, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I attended a somewhat distant relative’s funeral, and she had these subtle touches of her humor and taste everywhere. Like on the standard mortuary sign directing us all to our seats, there was a dinosaur perched on top. I think it was an Apatosaurus, some kind of long neck. I couldn’t tell if the funeral home was in on it, or if someone in the family had just been sneaky. This got me wondering: could my own funeral have not-so-subtle touches? How do you write that up so your funeral director has to comply?
– Last Wishes
Dear Parting Remarks,
I’m not a lawyer, so I can say with absolute certainty (and, I hope, immunity) that your final requests are ironclad, and your heirs absolutely must see them through or else risk jail time and eternal damnation, or at least a bit of guilt. So write down all your sacrilegious requests! One of mine is to have buskers play by my open casket and not stop until my mourners toss in enough change to pay for their dinner.
– Legally binding, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Now that hiking season is back in full swing… just how bad is it for a dog to eat cow pies and horse manure? Seems like anything coming out that end of an animal is a no-no. But at the same time, it’s just digested grass. You can use it for food-grade compost. Really, we’ve all eaten livestock doodoo one way or another. So which is it?
– Dr. Doolittle
Dear Doo or Doo Not,
There is no try – but there sure are trying dogs on the trails. Be grateful your dog is only eating le petit doojeuner and not rolling in it. There’s no treat like trucking a pup back from Engineer or some other far-off place caked in fresh fixins from the dooty free shop. There’s nothing for it, except for leashing your pup up or (worse) leaving them at home. Just remember: the cheap doggie toothpaste works just as fine as the gourmet stuff.
– The doode abides, Rachel
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