Pay to piss, toys for tots and pickle intervention

Dear Rachel,

After reading that some homeless people are using the streets and alleys to relieve themselves and shops have “no public restroom” signs, I got an idea. In Prague, Czech Republic, they solved the issue. They have public port-a-johns at some trolley stops. Yeah 50 cents or tokens. This is hooked up to the city sewer. Cleaned and cared for by the city. Does this pass the smell test for you? Your thoughts. Maybe the only ones in Colorado.

– Alley Sweeper

Dear Alley Cat,

My thoughts might be the only ones in Colorado? Seems harsh, but sometimes it also seems true. Particularly when I comb through the letters I get c/o the Telegraph. I’m all for public restrooms. Everyone deserves the dignity of being human. But we have way more issues to solve for the public good before this could work. Like, who is going to distribute crapper tokens to the unhoused? And who’s going to teach children of all socioeconomic strata what coins are?

– Legs crossed, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have to buy gifts for a 2-year-old’s birthday party soon. The last time I was around 2-year-olds was when I was 2-years-old. I have no concept of what 2-year-olds are like. I mean, are they using sentences? Can they sit upright? Do they need chunky cardboard books, or can they be trusted with regular paper? They can’t have normal Legos, I’m pretty sure, because even adults swallow that crap. Help!

– Terrible Twos

Dear Adult,

You know that sentiment that it’s the thought that counts? Well, stop thinking. It’s time to fall back on a classic gift: stuff the kid can’t use now but will really appreciate in 20-plus years. Think a bottle of wine that will age well. Or, whiskey that will age well. Or, a bottle of wine that the parents could really use right about now.

– Staring gift horses in the mouth, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Hi ho Schneider Park we go … YEAH, picked best pickleball court location in Durango. Hey, how about the pickleball folks save pickle juice and break a bottle for the opening of the courts? Not wine, beer or champagne. Let the pickles fly that day. Use real pickles for the opening whack of the paddle. Your thoughts on the great event to happen in Durango? The train could toot the opening, and we all would be happy this location was found. Next project charging stations for e-bikes

– Pickle Me Pink

Dear Obsessed,

WHAT THE ACTUAL EFFING EFF IS GOING ON HERE. I like to think I have my finger on the pulse, but I don’t know whose pulse it’s on, because it certainly isn’t pickled. I’m legit about ready to change this feature to a pickleball chat board. People send in their comments and replies, I’ll reprint them the following week. It’s a lot slower than a newfangled internet chat room (which I guess is just Reddit now?) but that’s fine, because all these pickleballers clearly don’t have the time for synchronous communication because PICKLEBALL PICKLEBALL PICKLEBALL public potty break PICKLEBALL PICKLEBALL.

– Sourly, Rachel