Podcast therapy, not-so Southern charm and #bashnews

Podcast therapy, not-so Southern charm and #bashnews
Dear Rachel,
Do you have a podcast? Everyone has a podcast, so I assume you do. I wonder what yours is about. Do people call in, like on “Frasier,” so you can help them with their problems in real time? Or maybe you spend an hour dissecting one person’s problems. Or maybe you get really esoteric and go off in some tangential direction that you don’t get to dig into by answering people’s questions in the paper. Tell me! I want to subscribe.
– I’ll Leave Five Stars
Dear Michelin Rating,
No, I do not have a podcast, but only because I have not landed a sponsorship deal with the right mattress company. The right mattress company, first and foremost, would be the one willing to pay me the most amount of money. Even better if they give me a free mattress without making me return it after the trial period. If they did that, I’d have to switch sponsors to get a new free trial mattress, and so on, forever and ever, until the heat death of our sun.
– Wherever you get your podcasts,  Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is it about Southern people and their ability to sweetly and savagely undercut anyone at all by saying the nicest things? Is it the accent? Or is there some deep cultural tradition that I could study my entire life and never emulate just because I’m from the West?
– Sweet Tea
Dear Darlin,
I am not qualified to answer this question, but it is 100% the accent. And also probably the culture. I do know the opposite, though. I had an Austrian exchange student friend in high school. She would say the bluntest, harshest things, with love in her cold Teutonic heart. Like, “Oh, your new braces are really ugly,” or “Your haircut looks terrible. Did you do it yourself?” But I soon learned to appreciate her entire lack of euphemism, and I will always remember the last thing she said to me: “You know, we will probably never talk again.”
– Ja wohl, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s clear you’re a biased journalist. You bash Trump, you bash people who don’t think like you, you bash parents, you bash friends, you bash siblings. Why not just come out and say you hate everyone. You are what is wrong with the media today. What ever happened to decency and respect in journalism?
– Fair and Balanced
Dear Fairly Imbalanced,
I take umbrage with your use of the term “journalist.” There are real journalists out there, embedded in war zones, risking their lives to deliver the stories about what matters. There are real journalists out there, asking questions in the White House (finally) and reporting on the machinations of Congress. There are real journalists out there, self-producing podcasts because that’s the only way to make a living as a journalist these days. And you dare to call me a journalist?
– Bless your heart, Rachel

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