Pool pee, misguided ETAs, and remastering
Dear Rachel,
Gotta love the personal interest Olympic stories, the heart-wrenching tales of triumph and the memes that emerge from the unlikeliest of heroes. Do you think you could make the Olympics? If so, what would be your headline-grabbing angle?
– World-Class Fan
Dear Misguided Fandom,
My jam is much more the “didn’t make the team” style of meme. Follow me anywhere, and you’ll see. Feet slipping off the pedals when I try to start riding? Didn’t make the team. Starting to fold a basket of laundry then giving up until the following Thursday? Didn’t make the team. Peeing in the pool? Hey, maybe that’s where I have a shot.
– Your favorite warm spot, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I would think that speeding would get me places faster. Not that I advocate speeding. But let’s just say that my map app says it will take me 60 minutes to get to Pagosa Springs. I allegedly drive 70 miles an hour, and I get there in … 60 minutes. Does my phone take my speeding into account? Or am I bumping up against laws of physics?
– Speed Demon
Dear Mileage Monster,
It’s simple math. I’m not going to do the simple math, because I went into journalism for that reason alone. But I am certain the math is simple. It probably involves things like windspeed resistance and algorithmic probabilities and that one Jeep driver with Texas plates going 35 looking for a county road turnoff and refusing to pull over to let everyone pass. I recommend you chill out, enjoy the drive and get there late like the rest of us.
– Happy trails, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I’m starting to question my sanity. As I’ve been listening to my Spotify retro/new-wave channel recently, the songs don’t sound right. When they play Love & Rockets’ “Ball of Confusion,” I hear subtle variations in the vocals that don’t match the original recording. Same thing with “Cities in Dust” by Siouxsie & the Banshees. There were odd beats and pitches mixed in that I swear I’ve never heard before. Am I suffering from early onset? Could it be that hit of acid I took back in ’89 coming back to haunt me? Or is this an example of AI digital “enhancement?” Please help me set my record straight.
– Messin’ with My Music
Dear Meddled & Muddled,
I have to think this phenomenon is due to the revered tradition of “remastering” music. I see this all the time when I listen to anything older than 2017: the track will say [Remastered] which tells me someone, somewhere, took mastered music and mastered it again, likely to inspire rabid fans to pay for it a second or fourth time. I can only understand this process as a form of continued dominance, like Katie Ledecky or Simone Biles remastering their games again and again. Either that, or Spotify downgrades the quality of the music it streams. Nahhh. It’s probably the remastering.
– Turned to 11, Rachel
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