Prime time, dating for dollars and Star Spangled manner
Dear Rachel,
I am all for cutting off my Amazon account. Screw the billionaires. I’d burn my Tesla in the street if I had one. Except … well … it’s just really inconvenient. I started reading on a Kindle a whole lot of years ago, so all my books are there. And I’m really used to most of my essentials on subscribe and save. Can’t I get principled in another way?
– Prime Dilemma
Dear Unloyal Customer,
I suspect you’ll feel better than you think when you cut yourself off from the free-shipping mindset. Stop ordering online. Shop local. Even better, stop shopping altogether. Cobble together what you need from the earth, and/or your neighbors’ trash bins. Then, only then, will you be free. Plus, you’ll have more money, owing to not spending any of it! Live about 20,000 years like this, and you can join the billionaire class you’re railing against.
– Pinching your pennies, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I’ve been seeing this woman for a few months now. Honestly, it’s not really working for me. The conversation isn’t that great, and I just don’t see a future together. But she is very well off. I mean, more well off than most people would guess, and they’d guess quite a bit. I find myself wondering how long I can stay. Is this immoral? Am I selling myself? Or am I just choosing security and being spoiled over, you know, love?
– Boy Toy
Dear Plaything,
How much money are we talking here? Because you can’t buy love, but you can sure buy a lot of other things. Wait, what am I saying? Of course you have to choose love. You’ll regret this for the rest of your days if you stay. Granted, you might regret them in obscene luxury and comfort, while the rest of us plebes go down with the Titanic. Oh wait, the rich people went down with the ship, too. Hmm.
– Capsizing, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
Did you watch Jon Batiste play the heck out of the national anthem before the Super Bowl? The internet did predictably internet things, trying to rip him apart for “changing the song” yada yada. Read into the subtext what you will. I think he took a tough piece of music and breathed new life into it. Everything has to be controversial and divisive now, so can we please come together over something like this?
– Donzer Lee Light
Dear Red Glare,
You know what we need? We need performers to play it straight, the traditional way – with all four verses of the original poem, the way God, the founders and Willie Nelson intended it. By the time it’s done, we won’t even have to have a Super Bowl, baseball game or whatever was supposed to come next. The lack of commercials might lead to sponsored verses, though. “Oh, Amazon sale, get discounts on bulk goooooods.”
– José can you see, Rachel
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