Pushing buttons, peak Ikea and naked eyes

Dear Rachel,

Sometimes I can’t sleep at night because that’s when I do my best thinking. My latest gem: Why don’t dogs have belly buttons? Dogs have to have umbilical cords. So where do they plug in? Unless humans are the weird ones. I know I could Google this but sometimes the wondering is more fun than the answering, don’t you agree?

– Innies & Outies

Dear Navel Gazer,

Not sure how I never thought of this. I’m trying really hard to appreciate your no-Google approach. All I can think about is one person I dated way back who was repulsed by belly buttons. You couldn’t even get to the word “button,” and he’d be gagging. I had to wear basically an inverse bikini that entire relationship. I don’t want to think about that anymore, though, so I’ll tell you it turns out all animals have a tiny little tummy scar. Even ones born in eggs! Humans just have particularly big ones.

– Pokin’ all the wrong buttons, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I hate when cliches prove themselves right. But spring cleaning really does have to happen in the spring. Why is this? Why do warm days and daylight make me suddenly want to purge until I live in a contemporary Scandinavian showroom? Everything must go. Everything left must be scoured. This could happen just as easily in the dark cold days of winter, but it doesn’t. Why?

– Starting Fresh

Dear Scrubbed Down,

The real question is: why do we all run out of motivation before we achieve peak Ikea? I too feel the pull of starting anew. I usually get as far as dumping my clothes on my bed or emptying my freezer onto the counter, then I’m out of steam. Maybe this is the origin of the summer vacation: we’re escaping the spring cleaning we never saw through.

– Sprung, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

So, I just heard about this new trend of men are shaving their eyelashes. Apparently, eye hair is too feminine? Or something? You won’t catch me shaving my eyes. All I can think is it’s a backlash to the Veep using eye makeup. I can’t make heads or tails of this trend. What are your ear (or eye) to the ground insights?

– Making Eyes

Dear Hairless Wonder,

This reeks of unintended fashion statements. Some dude probably burned off his eyelids doing something unmanly like torching a crème brulée. So he had to pretend it happened while using his meat smoker. Then it turned into a weird in-group thing. I’m waiting for Real Men™ to spackle over their belly buttons, so there is no evidence they were ever reliant on a woman.

– Batten hatches, not lashes, Rachel