Put on hold, changing times & make 420 fun again

Dear Rachel,

Every single place I get put on hold tells me they are experiencing higher than normal call volumes. I might have bought this the first time I heard it, years and years ago. But what kind of rube do they think I am? The dentist, the bank, the insurance company … by definition they cannot all be experiencing higher than normal volumes all the time, or else that would become the new normal, wouldn’t it?

– Hold Freezes Over

Dear Valued Customer,

I will answer your letter in the order it was received. In the meantime, your question is very important to us. You are the… SEVENTEENTH… letter writer in the queue. Please feel free to visit our website, double-u double-u double-you dot durango telegraph dot com. That’s the letter double-you, not two you’s in a row. Or, if you’d like to be disconnected just when you are the… THIRD… caller in the queue, please stay on the line. After all, we are definitely experiencing higher than normal letter volumes in these uncertain times.

– Hold me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Time on your hands. Well, at one time in the 1800s and early 1900s men and women had gold and silver pocket watches to show how rich they were. No more… just wrist watches and now smart watches that help a few. I see most don’t even wear a watch now. Smartphone in back pocket. Are we going to see the wrist watch go bye bye like the pocket watch? Invest or don’t invest in wrist watch stock?

– Father Time

Dear Papa Tiempo,

Me? I like to wear a pocket watch on my wrist. Saves me taking it out of the pocket, but preserves all the coolness of having to wind my clock every night before bed. Just before I put in my retainer and brush my wig. Ooh, baby, the sexiness of nighttime rituals. I would totally buy wrist watch stock, in other words, but mostly because I have a thing for Roger Federer ever since seeing my first Rolex ad.

– Watch this, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

420, here we come! Though it’s definitely a lot less magical than it used to be. Every day can be 420 now. It was way cooler when I was younger and it was way more forbidden. Now it just helps with my knees and gets tax dollars for the state. Oh my god I got old, but at least I still have my weed. How can we make 420 exciting again?

– Dope Fiend

Dear Dopey Friend,

Somewhere along the line, my brain conflated 420 and Earth Day (which is not technically 420) but now I think they should be the same. It’s all green, man. Light one up or chew one down, dial up your favorite corporate 800 number using your solar-charged smart phone, wind up your pocket watch that doesn’t even use electricity, and chill out to some killer hold music.

– Being blunt, Rachel