Rings around the rosie and spelling divorce
Dear Rachel,
Ring in the New Year with a ring. I see rings on eyelids, noses, lips, nipples, belly buttons and of all places, the privates. What’s going on? How do they get past airport security?
– Ring Worm
Dear Ringarounda Rosie,
Where are you going that you’re seeing all these nipple rings and rings-around-the-privates? Let alone – wait, eyelid rings? You couldn’t bleeping blink with an eyelid ring. Also, that could not, not, not be good for your eyeball. Now I’m dying of curiosity. Are these proper 360-degree rings you’re seeing punched through eyelids? Or are they more like earrings, gems and danglies on one side, studs or long hooks on the back? Do they fasten shut the top and bottom eyelids?
– Ring ’em up, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
My dear friend just remarried this year. I don’t know the new wife well. But she sent me a Christmas card. She misspelled my name inside. Half a point deduction – it’s easy to misspell my name. Then, she signed her name and my friend’s and misspelled his name. Her own husband’s! Ten points in the minus column. How, in what world, is this acceptable? Not only do I officially dislike her now, but I feel I ought to check with my amigo and make sure he knows. You think?
– Name Check
Dear Naim Chek,
Haven’t you ever been in love? Annoyances and inconsiderations are charming! Those are just the quirky little touches that make your friend realize just how smitten he is with his darling bride. Her mind is too vast to be worried about his name. At least she used the right name! Right? Right?? Only after the first sheen wears off, and the first crack breaks in the amor, will the marriage come crumbling down. There’s nothing you can do to rush it, I’m afraid.
– Nominally, Raychelle
Dear Rachel,
I’m officially old. I don’t wanna stay up til midnight. I don’t wanna be awake for the countdown. I don’t need to kiss someone at the stroke of twelve. I really, truly, don’t care about NYE anymore. It’s not the only opportunity around here to get dressed up and party. Nor is it the best one. Do you think it’s OK that I want to save my effort for much worthier occasions in 2024?
– Dropping the Ball
Dear Fumble,
You are not alone. I have never, ever, ever loved New Year’s Eve. It’s just, I don’t know, not exciting to me. And what is an auld lang syne, anyway? I say we party poopers unite to celebrate the new year in like Greenwich Mean Time or something. We could all go get our nips, privvies and eyelids pierced around four o’clock and be in bed by sundown.
– New year, same me, Rachel
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