Ripped jeans, No. 2 crimes & elitist Elons

Dear Rachel,

Holes in jeans are no new style. In the ’60s we towed a new pair of Levi’s behind a car on a gravel road 5 miles to get them soft. Hosed them down, then washed them. A few holes were in them but when mom saw them she quickly put an iron-on patch on to cover the holes. I guess we were ahead of our time. Oh the money we could have made selling them today. Have you ever done this or do you and your friends just buy them with holes?

– Midwest Levi

Dear Flyover Strauss,

It has literally never occurred to me to strap my imported K-mart brand thrift-store jeans to the back of a car and drag them for any number of miles. But now I feel I must destroy my clothes in the name of science. Does this work for tennis shoes too? How about t-shirts? And I wonder if maybe men like you run over their underwear a few times to get holes in all the wrong places, or if you prefer to earn them honestly.

– Au naturale, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I walk my dog on Animas River Trail, like so many others. I have trained my dog so I can drop her leash while getting the poo bag (bags) ready to drop, and I tell her “trash” and she’ll go right to the trash can and sit. I say “bags” because I pick up other people’s bags. What I don’t get is using a bag to pick up poo, tying it and dropping it on the trail or in front of the trash can. How (or do you think it’s even possible) do we train people to dump their trash IN the trash can? 

– Bag Lady

Dear Scoopie,

We can train ravens to pick up cigarette butts and put them in the trash. But ravens might well be smarter than humans. Leastwise, we are bigger and our reward treats might need to be bigger too. Of course, you also don’t see ravens carrying bags of poop for their 12-mile hike after their dogs poop in the first hundred yards. The smartest humans of all might be the ones leaving their droppings behind, knowing you will pick up after them.

– Double knotted, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why do people in Colorado think they only have to have one license plate on their TESLA OR CORVETTE? Are they special or want you let you know they are special to drive a TESLA OR VETTE. I’m better than you and I only need one plate. HELLO… IT’S ILLEGAL. Rachel if you have a TESLA OR VETTE I’m sorry… use two plates.

– Street Rod

Dear Flaming Decal,

Ugh, TESLA OR VETTE people are the worst. I personally get SUPER offended when I see some a-hole daring to drive on OUR streets with ONLY ONE tag. It’s the equivalent of six bags of dog poop worth of anger. You know what likely happened? They were probably dragging so many pants while driving their TESLA OR VETTE on gravel roads, the pants jerked the second plate CLEAN OFF.

– Poorly vetted, Rachel