River Rats, coffee snobs and a galaxy far, far away

Dear Rachel,

Like most residents, we moved to Durango to bike, hike, camp, fish, ski, kayak and climb. So why do HOAs require residents to hide the very gear needed to enjoy all those activities? Apparently, it’s fine to spend a small fortune living here because of the outdoors, but campers, boats and trailers must be tucked away where neighbors won’t be exposed to the shocking sight. Is it just me, or is it odd that in one of the most outdoor-oriented towns in America, we have to hide the evidence that we participate in outdoor life?

– Under Wraps

Dear Tarped Up,

Dude, HOAs are like the parents who want us to grow up respectable but won’t stay out of our business. It’s like: I was going to cover up my tattoos when I got a real job, obviously, but as soon as my mother told me I’d have to cover them up, I went and started writing for the paper instead of getting health benefits. The HOA just wants you to square up and stop being a river rat. They suck! Then again, they probably keep some river rats out of the neighborhood. Maybe it’s a wash.

– Heading outside, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve turned into a walking version of those lame-joke coffee mugs. Coffee is becoming my personality. I go to bed smiling that I get to wake up to coffee, you better not talk to me before my second cup, and I’m making coffee commentary at work. I need to cut back on the identity crisis but not the caffeine. Help? (And don’t you dare suggest tea.)

– Coffee Anon

Dear Buzzed Lightyear,

Let’s do a quick check. Have you ever joked about mainlining coffee into your bloodstream? Could all your coworkers pick your favorite mug out of a lineup? Have you ever once told someone that the way they enjoy their coffee is inferior? If so, the rest of us might be entitled to compensation. Put booze in your cup so you stop wanting to draw attention to it. Get sullen and angry like everyone else. Or, just screw what the rest of us think and drink what makes you happy.

– Top me off, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

I just found out there’s a new Star Wars movie, and it’s been out a couple weeks. Remember when a new Star Wars was a big deal, like a lunar landing or the Super Bowl? Now we can miss one entirely (and not miss anything much, by the sound of it). Have we gotten oversaturated by good things? Too overwhelmed by bad things? Or am I just old?

– Forced Out

Dear Rebel Sympathizer,

Star Wars got HOA’d, man. Think about it. That’s all I can say, and you know I’m right.

– This ain’t the way, Rachel