Roller rebirth, algorithm-noia and trimming the fat

Dear Rachel,

I have noticed a lot of roller skate ads on TV, with young adults using the sidewalks. Welcome back to the ’50s. Do you think the street department is going to have a skate lane on the new wide sidewalks or going to have it painted on the new street design? ROLLER SKATE LANE… YO AND GO.

– Roller King

Dear Emperor Wheelie,

No. They won’t. In a town like this, the only roller kings are of the doobie variety. Even that is out of style these days. At least, I think it is. I’m hardly with it these days. I just recently figured out what “rizz” meant, back when people were still saying that. So if I can’t even be cool on a weekly schedule, I don’t know why you think a local government will catch up anytime soon. 

–  Life in the slow lane, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am SICK and TIRED of every app and every website wanting permission to use my location. No I will NOT sign in. No I do NOT want you knowing where I am every second of the day. I see why people do though. The constant asking wears you DOWN. But these stupid phones are a necessity these days. Heck you can’t even order in some restaurants without them. Do I need to just cave in? Or can I keep holding out?

–  Incognito

Dear Location Known,

Hate to break the news, but that block in your pocket has you pinpointed more precisely than a missile tracking system. Pretty sure there’s no way to stop it tracking you at all times except to take a hammer to it, with prejudice. But then it’s really hard to scan menu QR codes. The best you can hope for is to throw some noise in the system. Keep ’em guessing. Like, you could strap your phone to your neighbor’s cat once in a while. Keep that algorithm guessing.

–  Always accept cookies, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Whenever I read a story about some celebrity actor taking on an action role, there’s always this bit about how they spent four months or six months or whatever improving their physique. Must be nice to focus on your body without other obligations for so long. I know, I know this is superficial fitness, but there’s got to be actual fitness underlying it too. I’m not a good actor nor am I willing to put in the hours waiting tables to get discovered. So how can I, regular person, get paid to spend half a year improving my physique too?

–  Superhero in the Rough

Dear Wait Machine,

Sponsorships, baby. You have got to sell yourself. Maybe there’s a protein powder company who wants to chronicle your transformation from normal person to partially better fit person, unless you tweak something along the way and end up as recovering-on-couch-person. That happens, you know. But not to you, probably! Maybe you can ink a deal with the roller skate industry. I hear they’re coming back.

–  Flex, Rachel