My favorite worthless trivia fact is the insane number of condoms that are supplied to the Olympic village. But this year, it got even better. The official statement from Tokyo 2020 says, and I’m serious, that “The distribution of condoms is not for use at the athlete’s village, but to have athletes take them back to their home countries.” How high do you think the IOC is, exactly?
- Love in the Time of COVID
Dear Rubber Match,
Hey, amateur athletes can’t be paid, so at least they can hardcore eBay that stuff. Or, they could follow the rest of that statement I Googled, which says the IOC wants athletes to raise HIV/AIDS awareness with the condoms. At like 14 condoms an athlete, that’s not a whole lot of awareness. Not when you’re one athlete at a time, taking on an entire country.
- Go for the gold, Rachel
Why am I never content with what I have? I love this town. I love the access to nature, and the good beer, and the fact that we aren’t big enough for a Trader Joe’s. But when my friend came to visit from Austin, I was just embarrassed that we didn’t have any live music going on that first night. I suddenly wanted Durango to be everything it’s not. Clearly I am unhappy. How can I find inner peace to love wherever I am and not care what anyone else may think?
- Unsatisfied Soul
Dear Traitor Joe,
HOW DARE YOU BE HAPPY WE LACK A TRADER JOE’S. I mean, I personally don’t care, because to me Trader Joe’s is a lot like heroin. That’s the end of the simile; it’s like heroin, full stop. But everyone else seems to think Trader Joe’s is the best/only reason to leave Durango. I can’t drive as far as Bayfield without someone saying, “Oh hey, while you’re out, would you swing down to Albuquerque and hit up Trader Joe’s for me?”
- Only for gas money, Rachel
I bought cannabis seeds from my local dispensary to try growing my own for the very first time. But I didn’t ask a lot of questions, and I’m now learning from the internet that I need to gender the plants so they don’t pollinate. Do you know what I paid for six seeds? A lot more than I would have paid for the three (or so) female seeds I’m bound to get. If I get six dude plants, do you think I can get a refund?
- Sausage Fest
Dear Total Noob,
The marijuana industry might bank on high prices, but not on ripping people off. Trust me: your seeds are female. I don’t know how I know this, just that any industry with that much cash has figured out how to look between the seeds’ legs to figure out their gender. After all, a happy customer is only one whose plants can’t get it on, much like the one Olympian who will actually return home with a pocketful of condoms.
- Flower power, Rachel