Run for the border, Super Bore and photo opps

Dear Rachel,

Right now, the only thing I have any control over whatsoever is my Duolingo streak: 284 days! It started off as a way to feel good about spending time on my phone. Now I’m wondering if maybe it’s not good preparation for fleeing the country. Everyone is gonna head to Spanish-speaking countries, so I wonder if you have suggestions for any alternative destinations and languages.

– MonoLingo

Dear Speaker-Upper,

Yeah, why learn the language spoken in most every country in the Western hemisphere, one of the globe’s more dominant tongues, with the most options to choose from when you GTFO? Total hipster vibes here, my friend. There is no language that no one’s learned yet. But I might recommend learning the language of resistance, so that you can speak truth to power and make things better right where you stand.

– Owl be watching, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Are we really going to pretend the world isn’t falling down around us? Not talking politics, of course. I’m talking the NFL. The rigging of games is getting out of hand. Super Bowl? Try super obvious. I refuse to even use the name of the teams clearly lined up for a repeat. Or the singer whose fans the league is catering to, except to call her Saylor Twift. Who’s with me in a boycott?

– National Facepalm Losers

Dear Bush League,

Great question. Does it count as a boycott if I haven’t watched a full game since the year before the Broncos lost to Seattle? I watched the first minute and a half or so of that game, then when we all realized it was over we spent the rest of the day huddled around the crock pots of party wieners and nacho cheese, from which my GI tract has still not fully recovered. That’s the day I swore off football for good.

– Hut one, hut two, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What’s the statute of limitations on a profile picture taken by an ex? If the ex is in the picture, it needs to come down as soon as the relationship does. But taken BY the ex has to have some grace period, right? Especially if all your good photos from the last couple years were taken by this person, it wouldn’t be ethical to put up more dated pictures, right? And what about using these pictures on the dating apps?

– Profiles in Courage

Dear Headshot,

You’re due for a photo shoot. Get yourself a haircut and a glam-up. You deserve it. Enlist some hungry photographer who you’re interested in paying well for their work, because artists deserve to be paid. Get a full suite of new photos for all your uses. Location matters, too – why not get these set on whichever tropical beach you’ve decided to move to with your American dollars, while they still have value, and your 10 words of functional Spanish?

– Say queso, Rachel