Safety third, space schmucks and heavy hugs

Dear Rachel,

Will you weigh in on the great PFD debate for paddleboarding on a lake? On the one hand, sure, we’re supposed to wear one. On the other, they’re cumbersome, chafe my arms when I paddle, wreck my tan lines, and besides, there are lots of other people out there to rescue me if I suddenly forget how to swim. Plus, no rocks out there to hit my head on. What do you say?

- PFDs are NBD

Dear DOA,

I consider myself an amateur linguist. Or at least a linguistics enthusiast. I believe language is ever-changing and any attempt to codify it is futile. Have you noticed how a great many people add a D to “drown/drowned” that Merriam Webster doesn’t include? They’re not wrong. They’re just speaking the ever-evolving language as they have heard it spoken, because they have survived long enough without dying a stupid, pointless death to participate in its evolution.

- Your non-inflatable life preserver, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

$28 million to go to space with Jeff Bezos? Are you joking me? I mean, first of all, who would want to be stuck next to him for however many days this is? You know that guy is hogging the window seat. Second of all, I guarantee if you wait a year or two, that price will drop in half and the in-flight entertainment will be far superior. It’s like, you know the schmuck buying this ticket bought the very first iPhone for double the cost before anyone even knew what an app was. Third of all, Bezos doesn’t even need the money. Why didn’t he turn the space ticket into a vaccine lottery?

- Rocket Man

Dear Amazonian in Space,

You may think $28 mil is an exorbitant price tag, but look at how Bezos operates. Step 1: Undercut the competition. That’s it. That’s the entire business model. Sure enough, the space company Axiom expects their first tickets to cost $55 mil. And that’s without sitting next to the world’s greatest hoarder of wealth. Here’s the rub, though: you only get to use the in-flight lavatory if you are a Prime member.

- You may also like,  Rachel

Dear Rachel,

When I’m overwhelmed, I just wish I could have someone dead-weight lay on top of me until I relax. Since that’s weird to ask people to do, I bought a weighted blanket. Like, literally a blanket stuffed with glass beads. I draped this thing over me, fell asleep on the couch, slept through an alarm and missed going swimming with my friends. That nap was marvelous, and I’m never going anywhere ever again. But I have no idea why this blanket works to soothe me so. Do you?

- Hibernation 4Eva

Dear Weight of the World,

Isn’t it apparent? You basically need a hug. A permanent hug, with no confusing emotions or need to clarify the relationship. You also need to catch up on your sleep. If you go out on the water anytime soon, I definitely recommend wearing a PFD lest you doze off. And definitely don’t bring the weighted blanket with you.

- Swimming with da fishes, Rachel