Scavengin' nuts, coffee OD & lameduck lobbyist

Dear Rachel,

What’s with the white bunny rabbit and colored eggs this time of the year? My wife never laid eggs and now eggs are of many colors. Reminds me of the song by Dolly Parton, “Coat of Many Colors.” Who started this brain scrambler that bunnies lay eggs?

– Buggs Bunny

Dear Roger Rabbit,

I never thought anyone seriously considered that bunnies laid Easter eggs. It’s just kind of the joke this time of year, not a particularly funny one, though I suppose we have such a plethora this time of year because St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Farmer McGregor’s garden so there is no one left to eat the eggs and the rabbits (and also the bad annual joke tellers) but I do appreciate the insight into your love life with the missus. 

– Laying eggs every week, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m trying to understand all the ritual around a really fine shot of espresso. It comes in a dainty tea-party cup with a dainty tea-party dish. A little glass of sparkling water to cleanse the palate. It’s really evaluated on taste, texture, dryness. All this for really, let’s be honest, a direct infusion of caffeine. Can you imagine barflies evaluating their shots of Fireball and Everclear this way?

– Coffee Curious

Dear Bi-Caffeinated,

New idea: Coffee drinkers have to down their shots just like us drunks do. Head back, straight down the gullet, little tiny coffee mug slammed upside down on the bar. If you want fizzy water, down it like a chaser. Frat boys can do a whole row of espresso shots, and wimpies can do shots of drip coffee. Then, when you feel like shit the next morning, you can go out for alcohol to bring you down from your coffee hang-up. 

– Make mine a double, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Bump outs on Main Ave. in Durango need your help. How about signs on the bump outs saying KIDS AT PLAY SLOW DOWN. You have the contacts to get it done. The big folks at city hall will listen to you and you will be a hero and shining star to all of Durango. Save a kid, dog and dinner.

– Street Sweeper

Dear Pavement Polisher,

I never knew I had such power. I am scrolling through my contacts right now. There is a pizzeria in there, as well as a pizzeria somewhere else I used to live. My mom’s in there, my dad’s in there, my smelly aunt is in there so I know to ignore her calls. I put my vet in there and honest to God I have my own name and phone number in there and I don’t know why I ever did that. Which of us do you think can best save kid, dog and dinner? And can we still run over the surplus rabbits?

– Bumpin ugly, Rachel