Sideline entertainment, colorful cops and toxic males

Sideline entertainment, colorful cops and toxic males
Dear Rachel,
I’m old enough to remember when there was no Super Bowl halftime show. Now I wonder if we are about to see a new standard for entertainment. Not who performs, but what famous girlfriends  of players are sitting in the suites. I think the NFL could continue drawing a bigger viewership if we get some entertaining guests. Maybe we could even create a tournament for them, to run parallel to the big game. Think we’ll see the shift?
– People Watcher
Dear Paparazzi,
Come on. Taylor’s done it; we’ve already peaked. She’s bigger than the Beatles and Elvis put together. No guest could possibly top her. That said, our entire entertainment culture is based on sequels for franchises that have already jumped the shark. I guarantee we’ll see intrigue about other girlfriends (maybe even boyfriends?) in the stands. I mean, if I were an aspiring pop artist, I’d find some tight end to schmooze, just for the airtime. Actually do you think that works for journalism-adjacent advice columnists?
– Armchair quarterbacking, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We have clear blue sky in Colorado 300 days a year. Police cars in the area are black and white. I know it was cheaper to get black or white in the past, but why not have them in white and blue like other towns? Yeah, black and white TVs worked fine but color is so much better. Black shows sadness, we need happy police in a hard job. Your thoughts on the color when getting new vehicles.
– Stick Shift
Dear Color Guard,
I remember reading some study that I can’t find now, so it’s possible I dreamed it, that said the public perceives cops dressed in blue as far more approachable than ones dressed in black. This has to track to cop cars. They DO have a hard job (and not, I hope, the thing I misread “hard job” as the first time), and we DO want happy police. So let’s paint their cars yellow with smiley faces. All the better to see them coming.
– Not smiling enough, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m seeing more and more of this “alpha male” chatter on the interwebs. Fortunately it’s in the sense of “let’s make fun of this toxic ridiculous alpha male mentality,” but if it didn’t exist we wouldn’t be making fun of it. So is this crap much more pervasive than I realize? Or is it a couple very loud, very obnoxious dudes giving everyone something stupid to point to?
– Alpha Bits
Dear Omega Pieces,
You know what’s creepy af? Referring to human beings as “males” and “females.” Makes us sound weirdly like specimens. No one but David Attenborough narrating my life is allowed to call me a “female” and get away with it. Ick. But it sadly is pervasive, this alpha-male baloney. But hey, maybe we can turn taking them down a peg into a full-blown halftime entertainment spectacle. I’d watch.
– Your Alfa Romeo, Rachel

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