Sign rage, catnapping and maskless avengers

Sign rage, catnapping and maskless avengers

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,
People are very touchy right now, in case you haven’t noticed. Like at the stop sign on my corner, where there is at least one daily f-bomb or road rage incident. This beats old men yelling at clouds. How do you argue about a stop sign? Or WITH a stop sign? I feel partially responsible, since it’s my neighborhood after all. So what should I do about it?
– Seeing Red

Dear Animal Planet,
Here’s what you should do about it: Pull out a lawn chair, make yourself a pitcher of mojitos, don your mask (complete with one of those straw holes), and livestream every incident that happens at your friendly neighborhood stop sign. You can edit together the best ones for a weekly digest of sorts. I’ll talk to the editor and see if we can’t make that a regular feature on the Telegraph website.
– Tune in next week, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I need a moral ruling here. Let’s say that Person A entirely hypothetically finds a friendly stray cat with no collar, lures the cat inside, feeds the cat, and declares she’s never letting it go. Meanwhile, Person B thinks the cat should be checked for a microchip and, if chipped, returned to its rightful owner. But Person B doesn’t speak up because he has intimate relations with Person A and doesn’t want to piss her off. How can Person B ethically slip the cat to the vet’s office and blame its disappearance on an open window?
– Cat Burglar

Dear Thin Blue Feline,
This sounds a lot like the premise to “Misery,” only with more sexual tension. You’ve painted yourself as the only barrier between sanity and complete lawlessness on behalf of the cat. But have you considered that cats, really and truly, do not give a litterbox crap? About anything? Sure, there might be a catless child searching the ’hood at night looking for that beloved Fluffymuffin. But Fluffymuffin just wants to eat you when you die, no matter who you are.
– Meow, Rachel

Dear Rachel,
I wonder if we should treat maskless tourists like bears. Stop feeding them. Put those aggravating garbage-can latches on their hotel room doors. Tranquilize the problem ones and transport them deep into the Weminuche. Set up enough of these deterrents, and they’ll go away, and we won’t have to cross the street every time we see one on the sidewalk. I’ve reached out to the Bear Smart folks, but haven’t heard back yet. Can you help me get the word out and start the movement?
– Bear Necessities

Dear Ursa Major,
I tell you what, I’d rather run into a bear than a maskless tourist. I’ve never had a bear cough on me or argue about their freedoms. We’re all used to bears, too. But the tourists aren’t. I think instead of treating tourists like bears, we should start acting like the worst misconceptions about bears for the tourists. Dress in faux fur rugs and snatch the beers (and small children) right out of their hands. Even if the tourists don’t go away, you might just make that stop-sign livestream.
– Bearing my soul, Rachel

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