Skeezery, raising raisins & thirst for truth
Dear Rachel,
I pay a lot of money for dog beds. My dogs’ comfort is of the utmost, and it also keeps them off my furniture (sometimes). One of the beds that cost in the triple digits recently wore a hole in the seam, so I saw inside and guess what? It’s full of foam scraps. I’m literally certain someone takes the trimmings from the mattress factory dumpster and stuffs them in cheap sacks and sells them to suckers like me. Why are us dog people the targets of such skeezery?
– Mad Dog
Dear Puppy Pleaser,
The problem is not the expensive dog beds. The problem is that podcasts aren’t taking sponsorships from dog bed manufacturers. You could get 30% off using code RACHEL at checkout, with a free 100-day trial and a complete money-back guarantee, plus home delivery. There is an entire generation swapping out their mattresses every 100 days and ultimately sleeping for free. Let’s get on that puppy.
– Lie like a dog, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
New baby in the extended family. What is the obligatory time for me to spend on video calls? I get why mama and papa are proud. And gramma is always going to be proud. But until the little raisin develops a personality, I’m just not interested in staring at the baby sleeping on my phone. But I’m a jerk if I say “cool, seen enough, thanks and call me back next year.” How can I get out of this one?
– Do Not Disturb
Dear Greenie Meanie,
I’ll give you this: you’re not wrong. Other people’s babies are just not that interesting. But maybe you need to dig deep and find which dark hole your heart lives in? Flowers aren’t exactly active, but we’re supposed to stop and smell them. Not suggesting you start smelling babies, but you can do what I do on FaceTime: pretend you have poor wifi, turn off your own video, then do whatever you please until Gramma gets tired of holding the phone over that little sleeping raisin.
– Coochie-coo, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
So, we’re not supposed to drink any kind of wild water, right? We could get giardia, or lead poisoning, or E. coli, or god knows what all else. So we buy iodine tablets and fancy water filters for backpacking. Yet our ancestors all survived for the history of forever drinking mountain water. And all the animals seem to be doing okay. What gives?
– Doesn’t Hold Water
Dear Leaky Pouch,
I mean, for starters, humans have seriously effed up the world’s water supply in, what, the last couple hundred years? That’s part of it. The rest of it is that we have delicate, civilized stomachs that haven’t had to fist-fight their way to survival ever since birth. We’ve gone soft. In fact, it’s a wonder that any of us let our dogs drink from mountain streams anymore. We can’t afford them getting sick in their fancy, pricy dog beds.
– Take me to the river, Rachel
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