Smooth & slobbery, please hold and breaking down

Dear Rachel,

I recently started using Aveeno lotion after seeing your product endorsement commercials on TV. I LOVE Aveeno lotion! The only problem is, so do my dogs, and my friends’ dogs, and, well, all dogs for that matter. Whenever I put Aveeno lotion on, even the unscented kind, the dogs instantly rush over and start licking it off. It’s a full-on tongue bath. While many dogs like the taste of lotion (for whatever reason), no other brand I’ve ever used has the addictive power and attraction that Aveeno does. It’s like doggie dope with my dogs slurping and drooling all over the place. How do I deal with this? 

– Silent Lamb

Dear Quiet Sheep,

Your epidermis brings all the dogs to the yard. At least they don’t want to make skin suits out of you. Better to be a lollipop than to be, you know, serial murdered. I don’t know that you can alter the course of nature, and dogs clearly evolved into the Earth’s lotion cleanup crew. Without them, the world would be coated in moisturizer like the globe in the Sherwin Williams logo. So perhaps you can just learn to lean back and enjoy the attention.

– Finger lickin’ good, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have read that you said, “On my smart phone.” So is the picture of you in your younger days, say 1979, with a DUMB phone or are you checking to see if we notice the antenna? Is this the new kind of smart phone for 2022? Please let us know.

– Bag Phone {1990}

Dear Relic,

If you must know, the phone in the photo is a prop. I never actually had a phone with an antenna. I skipped right from the rotary phone (that’s like the one in Adam West’s Batman for the old farts out there) to having a Bluetooth hard-wired into my neural circuitry. But I still make the classic “I’m on the phone” hand gesture that could be mistaken for a surfer signal. 

– Bag lady {2022}, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m a serial monogamist of sorts. Meaning whenever I have a breakup, it involves things like divvying up spices and houseplants. I’m in the world of more casual dating for the first time, and looking to end something after a mere couple months. I’m lost on the etiquette here, since most of my breakups lasted longer than this entire relationship. Any guideposts for me?

– Flying Solo

Dear Sailing Han,

I admire that you are seemingly not considering ye olde ghosting strategy. This is to be commended. You have two good options: Sit down and tell your short-term SO the truth in person – but not the whole truth, just the part where you’re done seeing each other. Or… make them break up with you. Something like, slather yourself in Aveeno and let them catch you getting slobbery with all the neighborhood dogs. 

– It’s not you, it’s me, Rachel