Space invaders, animal instincts and small talk

Dear Rachel,

Have you read any of the declassified UFO reports? I haven’t, but I want to find someone who has and will summarize the findings in 100 words or less. Basically, I want to know if UFOs are real, if they’re really aliens, and what this means for the future of humanity as we know it. You seem like the perfect person to give me the straight info. So, will you be my Cliffs Notes?

– The Truth is out There

Dear End of the World,

I hate to disappoint you, but this ain’t high school, and I’m sick and tired of doing people’s homework for them. I mean, I never did their homework for them in high school either, but the thought of it makes me want to gag on a shovel. Of course UFOs are real. But they are, by their very nature, unidentified. So I’m speculating – bear with me here – that the whole unclassified part of the files does nothing to further identify them.

– I want to believe, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I don’t know how some people think animals do not have opinions, and thoughts, and desires. They just need to watch my dad’s dog when they come to visit. Or rather, when they try to leave. His dog Samwell loves it here so much that he runs away from my dad when it’s time to get in the car. And if my dad leashes him first, he dead-weights it. This is the only place Samwell behaves that way. Anywhere else, he’s excited to go home. So my question is, how special am I?

– Dog Whisperer

Dear Most Modest,

Dogs are complex creatures with various desires: namely food, love, toys and peeing on things. Does Samwell get more of any one of these foundational needs at your house than any other? Dogs are also really good at picking up on their humans’ needs and emotions. Maybe it’s your dad who really doesn’t want to leave. Samwell’s just being a good wing-dog and helping him out since he can’t say it himself.

– Cue the awwws, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Now that I’m seeing people more regularly, they are all having the same conversations with me. They all want to know what I read over the pandemic, and if I watched anything good. How can I tell them that I only read and re-read the entire Harry Potter series, and that instead of trying something new I just watched “30Rock” reruns until I fell asleep? 

– I Know What I Like

Dear Stuck in a Happy Rut,

When I need to get out of answering inquiries about my past, I simply lean in and whisper, “I’m not at liberty to say.” If that doesn’t shut them up, I respond to further peppering by saying, “I’m not supposed to tell anyone, but the time in question overlapped with my abduction. You know, my ‘abduction.’” And I make vague little gestures up toward space, and then I clam up and refuse to say another word. But I’ll keep staring weirdly and meaningfully at them the rest of the social engagement. Tends to work like a charm.

– Doo doo doo doo, Rachel