Speed humps, puppy love and starting slow

Speed humps, puppy love and starting slow

Dear Rachel,

The cork screw at 15th and Florida is going to change. How about putting speed bumps on 15th, 3rd and Florida? When you bump on the hump they will thank you for the idea. It will slow the speeders and save a life. Your thoughts on this cork screw intersection? The city will love you if it’s done.

–Bump Out

Dear Speed Hump,

Yeah, I bet the city really would love me if I humped on the bump. It would spawn a whole new term. You’ve all heard of Florida Man; well, how about Florida Woman? You pronounce the first word completely differently, but the general spirit is the same. Did you hear what Florida Woman did to the bicyclist statues this time? Oh good god no, not THAT! Actually, I’m going to remember this for next Halloween. All I’d need is a stuffed alligator and a drunken stripe painted down my middle.

–Bumpin’ it, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

A professional acquaintance put me in touch with another of his professional acquaintances for some professional acquaintancing. We emailed all we needed to for professional reasons, but one friendly reference to a dog spawned a email thread of dog stories and pictures, which has turned into biographical summaries, which has turned rather personal and vulnerable. I think I might be technically dating someone I’ve never met now. How do I know how to count our “dates” for base-counting purposes?

–You’ve Got Mail

Dear Inbox Romance,

Ah, the intricacies of online dating, especially when the other party doesn’t know you’re dating. The other person is probably just very, very lonely! You are someone they can write to during the work day while appearing very, very busy to their supervisor. The odds that you are very, very mistaken are very, very high. And if you’re not catching the hint, the only base in play is the one you are very, very far off of.

–Stee-rike, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I’m trying to be in better shape. Especially with the holidays coming. But every time I try exercising, I hurt myself, which means I can’t move for a month, and then I’m in worse shape than when I started. I know this is a sign that I need to be in better shape. I start as easy as possible, but this keeps happening. How do I break the cycle?

– Round is a Shape

Dear Circular Logic,

How easy are you starting? Because if I know anything about exercise, it’s that you can count literally any movement as more calories burned. Do you drum your fingers on the steering wheel? No? Start! That’s extra movement. Do you shake your legs when you’re sitting still? Drink some coffee and get the jitters! Coffee keep you up at night? Good! Being awake burns more calories, probably. Driving down Florida? Give an extra hump! Didn’t catch all that? Read this answer again, and you just burned twice the fat.

– And one, and two, Rachel

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