Stay-at-home mom, crisis hotline and sale plants

Dear Rachel,

I’m a full-fledged grownup, at least in legal status, but I still feel like I owe my parents certain deference because they brought me into this world. It results in things like my mother overstaying her weekend visit. Trying to be a good child, I afford her that luxury. But then I forgot all my Monday responsibilities, buried under the demands of hosting the one person who critiques the cleanliness of my stovetop. What’s the statute of limitations on motherly guilt and offspring obligation?

– Grown-Ass Adult

Dear Circle of Life,

Remember when you turned 18 and suddenly you were free to go wherever you wanted and do whatever you pleased? Your parents were thrilled to get you out of the house. Bad news: parents age in reverse from children. They were free, but then they start to show up for you to do their laundry and feed them dinner. Then they move into the spare room. Then they’re there at all hours of the day, and you’re limiting their screentime and monitoring their friends. Just wait for the diaper age.

– The ciiiirrrrrrrrrrcle, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Have you heard of the mass die-off of migratory birds happening the last few weeks in the Southwest? As if this year hadn’t thrown enough crap at us already. I know you like to make light of things, but this is serious business. I know I can’t do anything about the birds. But I need to do something for my own sanity, to feel like I’m making the world a slightly better place. I’m too overwhelmed to start. Help?

– Losing It

Dear Lost,

This goes for you and everyone else feeling the way you are: If you’re on the edge, call someone. A friend you can trust. A crisis line that feels good. (They all have their numbers online.) A mental health professional. It’s so important to take care of ourselves with seriously everything imaginable going on. And all of that is serious. No making light. But now for a joke: What do grapes and an elephant have in common? They’re both purple! Except for the elephant.

– I’m here every week, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just bought a bunch of garden plants on clearance. The cashier made certain to tell me that sale plants had no warranty. Fine. Worth it for 75 percent off. But I got to thinking. How does one warranty a plant? Do you bring it back to the nursery for replacement parts? Does it cover regular wear and tear? How about extreme neglect and Acts of God? I just don’t understand how to warranty a living thing.

– Green Thumbin’ It

Dear Cheap Gardener,

Have you ever in your entire life had something break or work wrong and thought, “Good thing this is under warranty?” I guarantee you have not. No one keeps receipts and paperwork. No one thinks it’s worth digging up a dead, root-rotted, fungus-infested failed garden experiment and driving ALL THE WAY back to the store just to get a replacement on a $12.99 plant. No one, that is, except elderly parents with nothing better to do. Best put them to work managing your warranties in exchange for their free rent.

– Free returns for 90 days, Rachel