Stoned spasms, year-round X-mas & out-of-office

Stoned spasms, year-round X-mas & out-of-office

Dear Rachel,

I woke up with my back out and so I took a gummy to get me loosened up and pain-reduced for the day, but it was waaaay too much (possibly in conjunction with the salve I rubbed on my back) and now I’m far more interested in watching “Fraggle Rock” than going to work. I know you normally answer letters in the paper but I’m hoping you will write me back separate with help on how to handle this today?

– Gummed Up the Works

Dear Gummies for Dummies,

I spend six-and-a-half days a week tripping on all manner of combined substances. I emerge for a few brief hours to chug some water, touch up my deodorant and answer questions to make the world a better place. So, no, there is no such thing as an instant response, unless it comes from my out-of-office message, which I really should start implementing on a more permanent basis.

– Work your cares away, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

Christmas lights don’t need to be seasonal, right? Just thinking out loud here. Lights are pretty all the time. Like café lights. They’re just big, round Christmas lights and they look pretty in August and April. So what if we started a new tradition? Snowmen and reindeer come down after the fat man visits, but twinkle lights stay up on our houses the whole year through?

– Bright Idea

Dear Light Bulb,

Sounds like someone’s got a case of the lazies. Don’t want to take down your lights? Boo hoo. You should never have put them up in the first place. That’s my approach. And not just for lights. It’s how I handle holidays in general. The entirety of my festive decorating is edible. Chocolates for Valentine’s Day, chocolates for Halloween, chocolates for Christmas. The seasonal colors on the packaging really spruce up my bedside table. 

– How I wonder, Rachel


Dear Rachel,

I have lost the ability to unwind. Used to be that my entire life was spent drinking and hiking and floating and chilling. Now I get up, I put on some work clothes, and suddenly the day is over and I’m exhausted. I’m like, what happened? Did work even happen? Is it Tuesday? How old am I? And what happened to my precious recreation? I see what makes people want to quit their lives and, I don’t know, move to Tibet and live in a camper van or whatever. Any advice for less drastic steps to win my life back?

– R&RIP

Dear Walking Dead,

Two words: Fraggle Rock. You and Gobo up there need to mind-meld and become one mega-person capable of work/life balance, and also appreciating the finer things in life. Like being able to stare at a single color for hours. And also not caring if you lose your job. Jobs aren’t important anyway. What’s important is chocolate. Now excuse me; I’ll be out of the office until next Thursday and will respond to e-mails then.

– Punching out, Rachel

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