Stumped on phonics, Mrs. What's Her Name and everyone gets a prize

Dear Rachel,

I have a hard time with words that are spelled one way but pronounced another. I nearly embarrassed myself to death when I learned hyperbole is not “hyper-bowl.” How many times did I say that out loud? It just happened again with “posthumous.” Why do we say “post” and “hyper” one way all the time, until the one time where suddenly we don’t? And why don’t such words come with warning advisories?

– Miss Pronounced

Dear Madam Gaffe,

Linguistics is a weird, wild, wacky discipline. And written words are just pure magic! These abstract symbols are supposed to reflect light into your eyes, where you translate them into sounds, which you can then make (most of the time) with your mouth to enter other people’s ear holes. No wonder we get little hiccups in that system every now and again. But you think those words are tough? Wait’ll everyone finds out how you actually pronounce “Rachel.”

– Phonetically, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I think Santa Claus is gaining weight. That extra weight hurts my back! I wanted to talk to Mrs. Claus, but I still don’t know her first name, as Santa won’t give it up! Do you know her first name?

– Rudolf

Dear Rain Deer,

The editor of this here newspaper and I both wonder, did we miss the part of the Christmas special where Santa rides Rudolph? Or is that a DIFFERENT kind of Christmas special? I can’t let myself think too hard on that. Nor can I think for the life of me what Mrs. Claus’ name might be. I would think the safe money is on her name not being “Blitzen.” Unless things are in a constant state of real awkward up there at the North Pole. But yo, just talk to her without her first name. Not hard to do.

– Dash away, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I think you should start giving out peace prizes. Maybe even prizes for literature, medicine, chemistry and all the rest. You could expand the prize suite and offer the “Ask Rachel Beer Prize” and the “Ask Rachel Best Costume Prize.” Cutest dog prize? And then you could give them out arbitrarily, using them to massage egos and dole out public ridicule. I hereby nominate myself for the inaugural Good Idea Prize.

– On the Podium

Dear Prize Laureate,

Do you even know how much medals cost these days? The metals for medals are through the (presumably corrugated metal) roof. I couldn’t swing an actual prize. But I could, I suppose, fold newspapers into funny hats and bestow those on my recipients. The First Inaugural Rachel Award Presentation Committee (that’s me) will recognize outstanding accomplishments in not being dead yet. We’ll be sure to issue posthumous awards when the time comes.

– Peace, Rachel