Sugar fixated, hockey on meth and boring dogs

Dear Rachel,

What the H are we doing? I see that the grocery stores are stocking candy for Halloween. Heck it’s not even Labor Day. Oh I guess we don’t do much labor anymore, only smartphones with fingertips. I think the candy industry has gone bonkers. Most people bitch about gas prices but buy candy like it’s not going to be around. No wonder our kids are out of shape, no labor and more candy. What? Next month Christmas trees?

– Sugar Plum

Dear Dancing Visions,

I don’t think the reason our kids are out of shape is a lack of manual labor. In fact, I’m pretty sure Labor Day itself is, in part, a celebration of the fact that children are not forced to labor any more. Though if I had to labor as a kid, the candy factory would have been a pretty sweet gig. Just short each bag of Halloween mini Snickers by one little bar. No one would know, and I’d be well stocked.

– Fun-sized, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m fascinated by what gets left behind in lost and founds. I have been in situations, but never one where I leave without my shoes. Or Grandma’s ashes. Do some people just live oblivious? Or is this some form of recreational excitement I should be trying?

– Found Objects

Dear Get Lost,

If your list of lost items don’t include your teeth, then there are definitely forms of recreational excitement you haven’t tried yet. Like hockey. Or meth. Or hockey on meth. Or hockey with a bunch of Canadians on meth. Do they even have meth in Canada? It goes against their image. Maybe you should try poutine instead of meth. I hear it’s tasty.

– Gap-toothed, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My neighbors (think Cousin Eddie from “Vacation”) mentioned offhandedly they might get rid of their dogs because they’re bored with them. I hope they do rehome the dogs, because they are terribly neglected. But what kind of person gets bored with dogs?

– Dog Gone It

Dear Man’s Bestie,

Any distribution of the human race will have an edge of the bell curve that hates puppies, scams the elderly, kicks cats, makes fun of babies, cuts down trees just for fun, and stocks Halloween candy in the stores before Labor Day. All I can say is, maybe you should lure the dogs into your own car with dog-candy before things get any worse.

– Here boy, Rachel