Surfing chompers, being Ernie and squARTer's rights
Dear Rachel,
I will be graduating from dental school. I want to go to Florida because I love to surf. My dad said go to Utah because they outlawed fluoride, and cavities are going to go up and there will be a lot of money to be had. He said old people in Florida have false teeth so no need for filings. I said Florida also outlawed fluoride. So what state do I choose?
– Tooth Brush
Dear Chomper Doctor,
I grew up with a dentist who loved the ocean. I mean LOVED it. The office was wallpapered in nautical motifs. The shelves had ships’ wheels and miniature lighthouses on them. He had boats (no thanks to me—I flossed!) and loved deep sea fishing. One problem: we were landlocked. Which is to say, in my mind, a dentist can afford to go surfing whenever he wants, no matter where he is. Go where your heart tells you, unless your dad is paying off your student debt.
– Rinse and swish, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I have this work acquaintance who is a good fella but dumber than a spill of wood chips. He likes complimenting our customers and vendors with things that are … not compliments. For example: he told one customer recently he “liked her fangs” because she had very pointy canines and, well, he really did like them. We need to rein him in but not quelch his spirit. How?
– The Importance of Being Un-Earnest
Dear Regulator,
So if he is too earnest, you want him to be more Bert? Those two are polar opposites for a reason: one will never become the other, and they’re in for a lifetime (or a puppet-time) of mayhem. I don’t think you can break your good fella’s habit without breaking him, too. Maybe he needs to introduce himself as “Hi, I’m Ernie, and I’m unfiltered.” Or else he needs to start working the stock room.
– Frankly, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
What’s the statute of limitations on giving back an ex’s artwork? We’ve been split for three years (but in the same social circles still). I have a few pieces that are his work, they were gifts, so I feel right doing with them what I want. I have a couple others that he handed me for my walls when I moved into a new place, and it wasn’t clear if they were loaners or gifts or what. He hasn’t said peep about them in three years, and it’s time for me to move them along. Do I owe him any chance at reclaiming them? Or, nah?
– Art Heist
Dear Robber Garfunkel,
Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT LEGAL ADVICE AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS SUCH. But that stuff is yours now. I don’t know how relationship belongings compare to abandoned tenant property, but that artist is no longer paying rent to your heart. Three years, you say? Sell, baby, sell. Or paint over it with little garden gnomes or something. Whatever the eff you want. It’s not likely that his art could pay your way through dental school or anything.
– Creative license, Rachel
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