Sweat it out, Xmas year-round & fake it till you make it

Dear Rachel,

I took the dive into exercising differently this year and got myself a spin bike on sale. The only exercise I’ve done with it was to schlep two 50-pound boxes through the front door into the foyer. At some point I’ll have to finagle them into the guest room. How much of my exercise goals can I cross off just for moving these packages around? For what it’s worth, I broke into a sweat.

– Boxing for Cardio

Dear Beast,

It’s all in where you set your goals. And a healthy dose of what my ex-boss used to call “recalibrating expectations.” If your goal for the year is to move two heavy boxes into the house, and then you successfully move them to a WHOLE OTHER ROOM? You’ll have blown past your goals by at least March or April! Then you can “recalibrate” to reward yourself the whole rest of the year through by sipping margaritas and flexing in the mirror.

– Pump you up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

The truth is that I don’t like Christmas very much and I’m happy when it ends every January, but I do really like twinkle lights. Especially the white ones. They’re not Christmassy, they’re wintery, so I think they should just stay up all month, and then make February brighter, and then ease us through March and into April, maybe even May when the grasses finally burst. My roommate says I should quit procrastinating and take down the household decorations like I promised when I skipped out on putting them up. My thinking is legit though, isn’t it?

– Bright Idea

Dear Light Bulb,

Yeah, I’ve seen at least one restaurant get away with twinkle lights all year . So long as they’re not in themed shapes, like snowmen or enormous stars or reindeer. Reminds me of the neighbor I had who took the one red light bulb for Rudolph’s nose and gave the reindeer… let’s call it “lipstick” instead. I would have let that dude decorate my yard year-round.

– Sparkles, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I messed up and didn’t send my nieces presents for the holidays. Then it got so late that it felt awkward to send something and blame it on long PO lines and “things just got so hectic.” Now I’m avoiding FaceTime with them because I can’t stand the questioning stares of a couple four-year-olds. Do you know any anti-interrogation tactics I can use to fortify myself?

– Getting Grilled

Dear Medium Rare,

Lie. Lie like the scuzzy uncle or aunt you are. Broach the subject with the parents one day: “So… what did the kids think of their presents? Since you all never said anything.” Then feign shock when they say they never got any presents. Then offer to buy someone’s unopened and unused exercise equipment for pennies on the dollar, and ship that to their house instead. Heavy presents weigh strongly on the cool-present scale.

– The thought that counts, Rachel