Sweet revenge, sticks & stones, and the big blow off

Dear Rachel,

I have become absolutely addicted to revenge porn. Not the kind that’s immoral and illegal – the kind that involves stories of people getting innocent enough but well-deserved revenge on coworkers who steal food from the fridge, roommates who never clean the bathroom, in-laws who ruin weddings. It’s a genre I’ve lovingly come to call “A-holes getting theirs.” My own roommate thinks this is an addiction. So I must know: how can I take out my revenge on him?

– Righting Wrong

Dear Wronging Right,

Well, the cool thing about this kind of addiction is it is a lot less likely to trip the censor-sensors at your place of employment. It’s also not unique. I’m pretty sure you just described the entire genre known to scholars and philosophers alike as “reality television.” And like all things on television, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS. I sincerely hope your roommate is reading this, so he can GET OUT NOW RUN RUN RUN FAST AND NEVER LOOK BACK.

– Always scripted, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have worked my butt off for years trying to improve my craft (I’m an artisan jeweler) and while I know I’m not some genius savant, I can guarantee you’re getting quality. But I suck at social media, and I don’t know how anyone builds an Etsy following. My neighbor, on the other hand, started picking up sticks on her walks, gluing rocks to them, and is going gangbusters selling them for like $75 a pop. Should I drop my own standards, or just give up now?

– Rock Bottom

Dear Starving Artist,

I imagine this is how professional models feel about Instagram celebrities, or Sir Ian McKellen feels about TikTok stars. Hell, it’s how I feel about Dear Abby, that hussie. Someone will always come along to undercut all your hard work with the plebeians who just don’t get what you do. Persevere, my friend. No matter how many newspapers pick up your mortal enemy for syndication, you can sleep easy knowing that only your readers can read things like “revenge porn” in the newspaper.

– Stick it to them, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I get it. We’re in a pandemic. Everyone is stressed, and everything is taking longer. But I have had it with people who don’t follow through on the most basic promises. My vet said on Thursday, “I’ll call you tomorrow,” and I didn’t hear from him until Wednesday. My roof needs repaired, and my roofer hasn’t returned my call in two weeks. I can sympathize with falling behind, but how hard is it to call and say so?

– Left Hanging

Dear In the Breeze,

Sounds like someone needs to enact some revenge. Dish out a taste of their own medicine. Call your vet and the roofer and leave them voicemails. Tell them you need to talk immediately. Then hire a camera crew, a director who thinks cinema is “beneath” them, and a knock-off Ashton Kutcher. Have them film the drama when your vet and roofer call back but – get this – you don’t answer the phone. Antics ensue. Justice is yours.

– Cheap is better than good, Rachel