Tense tenses, super scooper and mapped out

Dear Rachel,

My dad served in ’Nam in 1966 and came home after a year in combat at 19 years old. He went to a pub and got a cold brew and was thanked by the WW11 Vets. Do you think our enlisted 19-year-olds who have been in combat in the future should be able to come home and drink a cold one at Ska? I thank them every day so I can drink a cold one in this USA.

- Mrs. G.I. Jane

Dear Gastrointestinal Janet,

You are the closest I have come to encountering a time traveler or multiverser. In my time, we are only up to two world wars, not 11. Also, I cannot wrap my head around soldiers who HAVE BEEN in combat IN THE FUTURE. Whatever they have been doing in the future, or will have done in the past, or might will have been doing in the preterite, I too will thank them if it means I can have a beer while staying alive.

– Prost, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I love love love love ice cream. But it is very very very bad for me. And not just me. Most of my friends are some degree of bloated (or worse) after we scoop a scoop into our faces. If something is so universally bad for us, wouldn’t you think we’d evolve a distaste for it? Instead, I keep going back for more. 

– I Scream

Dear You Scream,

Human beings are capable of many things. We can survive in most climate zones. We can learn many languages. But most of all, we excel at doing things that are horrible for ourselves, over and over again, and surviving just long enough to pass along what we haven’t learned to the next generation. So, scoop up!

– We all scream, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I always thought this whole “Americans are bad at geography” bit was overblown. We’ve all wanted to leave NM off a map, right? But I cannot teach my relatives that Denver does not equal Colorado, and that I am not going to drive seven hours over mountain passes to have lunch while they have a layover at DEN. How do we make them understand?

- Long Road

Dear Far Fetched,

It’s important to recognize the root problem. And it’s not poor geography skills, which we cannot possibly remedy. It’s our understanding of spacetime. If we could bend spacetime so your future family has been eating lunch with you after they will be catching their flight, you’ll be so confused that the drive to Denver will feel like nothing. Or, you’ll come home in another century. Nobody knows, but by god, will you deserve a beer.

– Cheers, Rachel