That smell, pulling teeth and junk foodie

Dear Rachel,

I always think I can’t stand perfume on women or cologne on men. They smell fake, you obviously applied some fragrance to try to attract people, we all know what game you’re playing. Yet sometimes (like right now) I get a little bit of someone else’s parfum on me, and I just can’t stop smelling it. It’s like falling in love with someone I don’t know. I know the scent game’s happening on me, so why does it still work?

– Eau de Fooled Again

Dear Smell Test,

Because smell is not rational. Smell is like how we used to inhale pixie sticks and pretend the sugar was going straight to our brain. This was before any of us knew what cocaine was, or at least before I knew what cocaine was. Is that how cocaine works? Anyway, give me flavored sugar and that scent jumps me right back to being 6. I think that’s what perfume is like?

– Get a whiff, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I was told by my dentist that he has to remove a wisdom tooth. I told him this is the only one left, and I am short of wisdom. So don’t do it. He said, in your condition it’s ok. How does he know? I’m asking where in the H did they come up with “wisdom tooth.” I know a lot of people who have no wisdom, so that would be really bad if they got them pulled. Your wisdom thoughts on this jaw-breaker of a question. Out or left in?

– Tooth Decay

Dear Wise Cracker,

I can’t figure out why humans have mouths too small for their teeth. I mean, we evolved with these teeth, right? Have we always had more teeth than space? Or did our mouths shrink to accommodate all tthese big powerful brains of ours? Based on some of the mail I get, I’m inclined to say it’s not the latter. So yeah, yank those bastards out, because then you can eat pudding for a week.

– Gumming it, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve started trying to short circuit my desire for fast food. I HATE fast food. But man, as soon as I have some wicked thought of stopping for some cheap cheap hamburger or some buffalo chicken sandwich or god help me french fries… I can’t stop thinking until I get me some. It’s a compulsion. Is this a version of what druggies feel? How can I snap the cycle??

– Quick Fix

Dear Junkie,

I wonder if you know what triggers your sudden fast food appetites. I get that way when I’m tired, cranky and feel like complaining until my mom hits up the drive through for a Happy Meal. Man, now that’s a scent I’ll remember forever. If they want to make an irresistible fragrance, it should smell like a cheeseburger, a small fries, and a plastic toy in a bag. I’m still trying to replicate that high as an adult.

– Chasing the dragon, Rachel