The Animas High interns take over Rachel

Dear Mary-Kate &?Ashley,

Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird when people think of their dogs as their children? Bumper stickers that say things like “my child has four paws” drive me crazy, and I’m going to puke the next time someone calls a pet a “fur baby.” Let me tell you, kids and dogs are NOT the same. Can you please remind readers that dogs are not people and should not be treated as such?

– Proud Human Mother

Dear Miffed Mommy,

You’re absolutely right. Dogs are not people, and we should not insult them by implying that they are. A dog is infinitely more amazing than any human could ever be. To all you readers out there – be sure to acknowledge the innate superiority of your canine companions and honor them every day with lots of treats and belly rubs!

– Puppy lovin’, Mary-Kate & Ashley

Dear Mary-Kate &?Ashley,

My teenager won’t stop texting me elaborate abbreviations for things that don’t need to be abbreviated! OMWTFYB? ROFL? LMK? LMAO? And don’t even get me started on the emojis! I’m tired of being out of the loop and unable to understand slang. What does it all mean?

– Wannabe Hip Parent

Dear Confused Gen Xer,

It can be hard to keep up with the times, but you have come to the right place. It seems as though teenagers are coming up with new slang every day, and it’s almost impossible to stay in the loop. But here is your guide on decrypting these abbreviations. To start, LMAO (laughing my a$$ off), LOL (laugh out loud) and ROFL (rolling on the floor laughing) are all great ways to respond to a text or post that made you do any of the actions above. As far as IDC (I don’t care), IDK (I don’t know) and IK (I know), these are great ways to respond to something you’re not quite sure of, or something you’re very sure of. The most important thing to remember is to use context clues! If you see “GF” on a menu, it probably means a food item is gluten-free. If you see “GF” in a text from your son saying, “Can my GF spend the night?” you better get ready for the talk. And when in doubt, always turn to Urban Dictionary!

– TTYL Mary-Kate & Ashley

Yo Full House,

Our senior graduation is drawing near and we are desperate for a solid senior prank idea. We know the basic pranks like putting chairs on the roof or filling the halls with miscellaneous items, but we’re looking for something extraordinary, of historical proportions and perhaps even bigger than the Noodle Incident. Can you help us?

– Rebellious Teens

Dear Stunt Savants, 

The best pranks are tailored to their situation and circumstances, so ultimately this idea must be yours. I can say this: going big is definitely the right idea. Be resourceful with what’s around you – any desk can be moved, any important items can be switched with pieces of fruit, and any tiny pictures of Bart Simpson, Shia LaBeouf, or your own faces can be wedged into the walls, floorboards, desks, toilet seats, ceilings, books, commemorative plaques, valuable awards, pieces of art, secret tunnels, etc. of your school, hiding there for all eternity, never to be discovered! Extra points for any live animals involved! However, try to avoid doing anything that will cost your school too much money to fix, and always stay on the right side of the law. Just remember: it’s not illegal if you don’t get caught.

– Mary (Kate and Ashley) Pranksters