The best way to screw, nouveau lingo and 'dese nuts

Dear Rachel,

A question on Reddit has sparked a civil war in my house between my dad (63) and me (29): Which one is the regular screwdriver? He always asks for it and he means the flat head, but in my mind it’s the Phillips head. Does he have a flat brain in his flat head, or am I the one who’s Phillip it?

– Screwed Up

Dear Driver Family,

This is why all the screws in my house are torx. Actually, that’s not true. All the screws in my house are torx because I am infamous for stripping screws. Phillips, flathead, doesn’t matter: I’ll strip that sucker down to the thread. But as a side bonus, there’s never any confusion when I ask for a screwdriver. It’s a superior screw anyways. (Said entirely as a single entendre, from someone who’s pretty regular herself.)

– Righty tightie, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Duolingo is teaching a different French than I learned in high school. I picked up the app, because my wife and I are planning a trip to Switzerland and thought I better brush up. But things changed! Either that, or my entire high school education was a sham. Which actually sounds like the more likely answer. But still! Languages evolve and all that. Is 20 years enough for high school French to transform into Duolingo French?

– Sacre Bleu

Dear Bleu It,

If your high school French was anything like my high school Spanish, it consisted of a teacher who did a study abroad for one semester in college and attended some bullfights and decided he’d make a life for himself trying to impress underage students (particularly the co-ed ones) with wild stories of surviving runaway longhorns and nearly becoming a toreador until a tragic injury relegated him to teaching Spanish verb conjugation, except we never reached that part of our education, so basically I learned how to introduce myself in Spanish, and that was it for two years.

– Me llamo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I see Mercy in the “thumbs down” for not doing tube-tying for women. BS. Are they not doing vasectomies for men? Mercy, stay out of my bedroom, I’m not looking in your bedroom. Women can make the choice, like when you want to brush your teeth. Your thoughts, Dr. Rachel, on a men’s member. What do we do?

– Nut Cup

Dear Pecan Pouch,

Wait wait wait wait WAIT. Are you legitimately comparing a tubal ligation to teeth brushing? I want to be offended, but actually, this is brilliant. Let’s make a person’s reproductive choices as mundane as dental care. You floss AND you got the snip snip? You just bumped yourself up my dating list, whatever gender you are. If you use torx screws, too… rawr.

– Snippy, Rachel