The doll-drums, noodle nerd and giving the slip

Dear Rachel,

Dolls are creepy, especially ventriloquist dummies. For some disturbing reason, my brother in law started collecting these things, but no one bothered to tell me that before I went for a visit. They expected me to sleep in the house with those things. No way, no how. I ended up sleeping at a Days Inn and now my family is pissed. Please tell me I’m not wrong?

– No Dolly Pardon

Dear Uncanny Valley,

The real question is: Why is it that dolls are creepy, but action figures aren’t? They’re just basically dolls with muscles and armor and stuff. I’d think that a tiny muscly human would be far creepier than a tiny chubby human. Or a tiny wooden one. But ventriloquist dummies are indeed creepy as all get-out. You will get the last laugh when you’re the only family member to survive the night.

– Read my lips, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

How are spaghetti noodles a thing? They don’t hold any sauce, and you end up with half on your plate and the other half down your shirt because you’re trying to eat flimsy noodles that flick sauce all over the place. Why bother when we have rotini, fusilli and shells?

– Feeling Saucy

Dear Mac & Roni,

Leftover spaghetti is the only spaghetti for me. Why? Because it absorbs all the sauce! I’d actually like to see someone make spaghetti & cheese, because with all the melted gooey goodness the noodles would maybe hang together better. I guarantee that’s already been done somewhere, but it can’t be superior to a shell noodle full of melted Velveeta.

– Using the ol’ noodle, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Last week, I encountered someone at a work conference who decided she was going to be my best friend. Nothing dissuaded her. She followed me from panel to panel and tracked me down at the hotel bar. I tried gray-rocking her, ignoring her and embarrassed to say, being mean, and she just seemed to like it. Next time, what can I do differently?

– Stuck Like Glue

Dear Rubber Cement,

By your use of the past tense, it sounds like leaving the conference and going home worked. Regardless, if honesty is the best policy but that’s off the table, then might I recommend saying things that sound real but aren’t necessarily. Things like, “Have you ever considered making wigs for dolls out of your hair?” or “You’re such a noodle, and I don’t mean the pasta.”

– Friendless and fancy-free, Rachel