Time warp, frank incensed and adulting

Dear Rachel,

I’ve been getting all grumpy about Christmas movies, and Christmas music, and Christmas candy, and all that Christmas jazz. But then, it hit me… Christmas is not even five weeks away. I swore when I was young I’d never say what my parents always said. That time is going faster than it used to. But it’s true. Is this the curse of adulthood?

– St. Nick of Time

Dear Christmas in July,

Dude. I caught myself the other day saying how it still felt like September – 2023. Is this what passes for camaraderie among us elderly? Maybe we should all ask for a reduction in duties for Christmas. Or at least a skilled personal assistant, willing to work for free.

– Santa’s house elf, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just learned about congressional franking. Congresspeople (and, you know, presidential type people) can just have some intern print their congressional signature where the stamp goes and they don’t have to pay money like the rest of us. Supposedly for official business only, but who’s checking? What does it take for the rest of us to get franking privileges?

– Frank Hardy

Dear Frank Further,

Get yourself elected to Congress. If Lauren Boebert can do it, how hard can it be? There’s at least 400 of the 535 members who make you wonder how they got this far in life. I really shouldn’t single any one out, when I can single ALL OF THEM OUT for costing the USPS money when I still have to wait in line to mail a package.

– Frankly, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

My mom is marrying her boyfriend. She wants to wait for me to finish high school first. I’m a junior. My mom feels bad asking me to move into a new house with one year to go in school because they will move into his house. I think she should move in and leave me our house for senior year. I’m not a party kid, and I think it would be good practice for the real world. How can I convince her?

– Home Alone

Dear Kevin,

Anytime someone wants to bemoan the younger generation, I’m going to point them to you. Your signoff makes me think you’re familiar with the 1990 Chris Columbus classic, which might be the last great Christmas movie to be made. This means that the kids are alright. Ma, you done good for the first 17 years. Let this one have the house. The burglars don’t have a chance, whatever month of the year.

– The Incredible Culkin, Rachel